1 year later

It's been one year since I put the lid on my happy pills and stashed them up in the cupboard. And they are still there. I haven't touched them, and I can't tell you how happy that makes me!
I have a beautiful, 6-month old little girl. This is my third time mothering an infant, but it's the first time I can look back on the first months of life and still see it... i can remember it... it is not hidden in a fog, it's not tucked away behind terrible emotions, it hasn't been drowned out by countless tears. I have thoroughly enjoyed {almost} every moment of parenting her in the early months.
I'm not going to tell you it's been easy! We are raising 3 girls over here... anyone that tells you that is easy is lying (and, can i tell you, people told me that lie... "oh, 3 is sooo much easier that 2!" liars.)  But it has been manageable.  There were times, in the heat of my battle with PPD, that I thought maybe I wasn't actually depressed. I thought maybe, just maybe, I wasn't strong enough to be a mom. Maybe I wasn't cut out for this job and that's why I felt the way I did. Maybe all moms felt the way I was feeling and I just didn't know how to juggle the parenting lifestyle.  But now, sitting on the other side, I can tell you beyond the shadow of a doubt, I was clinically depressed. Because parenting feels different now. I'm overwhelmed, for sure, but I don't feel hopeless. I don't feel like i'm sinking. I don't feel like I'm living in a fog, desperately trying to find my way out. I told a friend recently that if PPD would have found me again, I honestly think I would be donning a straight jacket and I would be holed up in a psychiatric ward somewhere. Because I can't even fathom the idea of running this rat race we call a family of 5 and battling those hormones at the same time. To God be the GLORY!
For the first few months of Kate's little life, I still lived in fear of that depression. I was grateful that I wasn't suffering anymore, but it still had it's dirty little hands wrapped tightly around me. Because every day I would wake up and wonder, 'is this the day? is this the day that depression returns? is this the day depression wins again? or will i maybe get one more day of freedom. one more day of joy.'
But then I was challenged to let it all go. To lay down that rock at the cross. To stop carrying the burden of a non-existent depression with me everywhere I went. If I wanted to live in true resurrection, I had to finally LET GO and LET GOD. I believe that the power of prayer has played a huge role in my healing. I believe that my God lifted this burden from my life. Yet, I wasn't believing it enough to actually let go completely. I wasn't allowing myself to move forward fearlessly. I was hanging on because, well, what if?  What if it comes back? What if it takes over? What if it wins again? For some reason I didn't want to move forward if I was just eventually going to have to come back anyway. Thanks to some great teaching, I realized that by hanging on, I wasn't really living in true obedience to the God that had delivered me.
So, am I still afraid I will suffer again? Yeah, a little. But I make the conscious decision every single day to say thank you. Thank you, Lord for saving me. Thank you, Lord for letting me enjoy today to its fullest. Thank you, God for the freedom, for the clarity, and for the goodness of a new life.
If I have to face that darkness again someday, then I'll face it. but until then I'm moving forward, thankful that I'm carrying a lighter load.

Checking in...

“so...uh.... How are you feeling??"
My husband and doctor asked the same question, on separate occasions, in the same tender way... Their voices filled with genuine care but also fear that they were asking the wrong question at the wrong time.
Thankfully, my answer came much easier than their question. I'm feeling great!! What a joy to move through this new phase of life with a clear mind and a true appreciation for all i have. And all without the help of pills!
Yes, i realize it has only been 10 days. I know my switch can be flipped at any moment. I know the odds are still stacked against me and there is a good chance i will again have to climb the rocky mountain of my life known as ppd that i have climbed twice before. But for the moment i am rejoicing in the truth that, at least for now, I am free from that bondage!
I pray that these emotions do not change...that the Lord will shield me from those demons this time around. But i also have no doubt that whatever i face in this life, i will not face alone. He will always be by my side, holding my hands through even the most difficult journey. I covet your prayers as well!

why i cry.....

It depends how you look at it.  There are the ‘surfacy’, life-happens reasons for my tears: 

*I’m pregnant… and hormonal.

·         *I’m raising 2 VERY strong-willed toddlers that push every limit they find and test me at every turn in the road

·         *I can’t sleep. If I start the new day with 4 hours of good sleep under my belt, I consider it a good start.

·         *I hurt. For the last 2 months I have had continued back pain that will not go away no matter what I try

·         *I miss breathing on my own terms. I cherish the moments there is not a head or some other appendage lodged in my lungs.

But the more I look at it, I feel like the reasons I cry go a bit deeper than that.  The Lord has given me passions. Passions rooted deep in my heart. Passions that I want to live my whole life for. And right now, I feel like I am hitting nothing but road blocks when it comes to living out those passions. I love being a wife and a mother… I take both of these roles very seriously and I long to do them to the best of my ability.

For as long as I can remember, I wanted to be a mom. My heart beats stronger for this desire than for anything else. So, I was less than pleased when conception didn’t come ‘easy.’ But, nonetheless, it came.  And I was blessed with a beautiful baby girl to raise. And then another.  And soon a third! But after each birth comes the unfathomable emotions of PPD. Why?  Why give me a passion to raise children, but then make coping with them nearly impossible due to a highly unstable emotional state?

And pregnancy… I LOVE being pregnant. So why does this one have to be so hard?? I felt so blessed when all the symptoms of my depression were swept away when I became pregnant, but now I just feel like they were replaced with physical hurdles. I can’t play with my kids the way I want to because I am either struggling to breathe or struggling to walk. My patience with those closest to me is cut short because I’m tired and cranky.

Everything I want to do or try to do for my family has to be stopped or changed or put on hold because of two things I love very much… Pregnancy and Motherhood.  It just doesn’t make sense to me.

And of course there is always the longing to be a better wife. In an attempt to ‘step up my game’ this summer, I decided to do a personal study on the Proverbs 31 wife.  No better place to look if you want a good role model for how to be a better wife, right??  It all sounded good in theory, but instead I felt defeated. How could I ever live up to the standards this woman set?! She’s perfect. And she certainly doesn’t have toddlers.  I get the fact that she is an ideal. Something to work towards. But still I was left with the feeling that I can never even come close to being ‘that’ wife… and if that’s the case, what kind of wife am I?? 

This is where my tears come from. From the inability to be the best at the few things I long to be the best at.

As I have rolled these feelings and emotions over in my mind over the past week, I have been reminded again and again that God refines us like gold and silver. It’s not an easy process….  Gold and Silver are refined by FIRE. Not by grooming and patting and hugging…. By hot, intense fire.   But the end result is so beautiful. And long lasting.

So, refine me Lord. Test me. Strengthen me.  Make me as gold and silver.  And I promise to be patient and faithful through this process. Because I know on the other side of this fire I will be the women I need to be in order to serve my other passion…. Helping mothers that feel  just like I do right now.

Somebody figure out how to bottle this!

21 weeks pregnant. 7 weeks drug-free.
Before we even started trying to conceive this third child, I was worried about how pregnancy, depression, and my 'happy pills' would all work together to make a happy, healthy mama and baby. Of course, I knew it wasn't ideal to be taking these pills while pregnant, but I also knew it wasn't ideal to be chronically depressed while carrying a child and caring for two others.  I was certain there was a happy medium and that I would find it. Unfortunately, there wasn't. After much research and talking to my doctor (whose medical and personal opinions I truly do value), I came to this truth -- my depression was still too severe. My conclusion was that it was healthier for me, my baby, and my family for me to be medicated than to be depressed.  Although this isn't the decision i wanted to make, I decided it was the one I needed to make.
Fast forward to about 10 weeks into my pregnancy. I was struggling with all-things-pregnancy anyway. I was sick, I was tired, I was overall uncomfortable. Things I didn't have to deal with in my first two pregnancies.  And on top of all of this, I was getting really irritated with EVERYTHING. I was angry. I was short tempered. I was miserable and I felt I was making everyone around me miserable.  And then the unthinkable happened. I ran out of pills. (I know. You are asking yourself how I let that happen. C'mon people... I'm pregnant. That means that automatically three-quarters of my brain stops working. That's just the way it works for me, folks.)  It was a Friday. So, I waited until Monday to call the Dr. for a refill. When I called, I found out they had changed the way they process refill requests and I was told it could take up to 3 days for my request to be filled. Ugh.
But what happened over the course of those 5 or 6 days confused me. My emotions were changing, for sure. But for the better, not for the worse. I felt calmer. I was able to face life with a more level-head. Things just weren't bothering me like they had been. I noticed these changes inside myself, and I liked these changes. But certainly it just couldn't be. I am a depressed person.. I can't feel better OFF my meds. That doesn't make sense!! I gave it a few more days, but then decided to start taking the pills again because if I fall too far 'off the wagon' it will be a long hard recovery to try to 'fix' myself.
But within two days, those negative feelings were coming back. I don't know if other people were noticing the changes, but I was definitely feeling them. And I did not like them. So then I was faced with another decision I didn't know how to make. Do I risk the fallout that could happen if I go off my meds? Or do I risk being irritable for the next 7ish months. Which risk was greater?  So I made the decision, without consulting anyone else, to quit. Cold turkey. I was done with those little pink pills.
So far this little experiment of mine has been nothing but successful. Yes, I am more emotional (like - crying, teary sort of emotional), but I'm pregnant.... that's to be expected, right?? :)  And if I'm being honest, it's been kind of nice to really be able to feel those raw emotions again!  I feel good!!
So, really, if someone can figure out how to bottle these pregnancy hormones that make me feel so good, I'll buy it!! Make it a juice, make it a powder.... or even better, make it into ice cream!!
I know in a few short months I'm going to have to face the tough decision of re-introducing those pills into my life. And if and when it comes to that, I will do it. Because I know from experience it is the best decision for my family. But until then, I'm praising God everyday for the opportunity to grow this tiny little girl without the fear of what those drugs may do to her little body!  God truly is good... ALL THE TIME!  He really does care about the big things AND the little things. And I love the fact that He continually chooses to show me that!

oh, baby!

Hi. remember me?? I used to blog here. :)
I also used to be a mother of 2.  But in December, I will be a mother of 3!  yikes.
We are all very excited about this new family member, but I'm not going to lie.... there are somedays I stop and wonder, "what were we thinking??!?"
It has been really fun to share the progress of the baby's growth with the girls. They are so excited to be big sisters. Jada calls it "her baby" and Eden is determined it WILL NOT be a boy.  She did tell me that if it is a boy, she will still love it, but she really wants a sister.
So far I have experienced a pretty typical 1st trimester.... nausea and extreme tiredness.  But, this is not typical for my pregnancies at all, so this has been quite an adjustment for me. (I'm sure it doesn't help that I'm also raising 2 toddlers... but that's life!) Hopefully only a few more weeks of this and I will start to feel human again!!
Over the next 7 months, I covet your prayers for a safe and healthy pregnancy and also pray that I am able to keep an even mental state.... Obviously, along with the excitement of another child, Nate and I are nervously anticipating the onset of the evil PPD. I realize it is possible that I may be spared from it this time around, but I'm also realistic enough to realize the odds are kind of stacked against me!!  But I am confident that whatever this world hands me after the delivery of this child, the God I serve is big enough to get me through it.

letting go

it is so hard to transition from prayers for healing to prayers for comfort.
it's hard to not kick yourself over and over (and over) for all those times you didn't just stop in to say hi.
it stinks when you think of questions you want to ask when they are unable to answer.
it's wonderful to see so much family in one room enjoying each others company. it's sad that it takes the end of a life to bring so many people to that room.
it's hard to watch someone you love slowly fade. but i'm so thankful for ample opportunity to say good-bye.
i'm grateful for photos and their ability to forever freeze memories in time. we will reach a point that we will have to stop making new memories, but we will never have to forget the old ones.
i will never forget the day i stopped by, even though i just wanted to go home. he said 'ich liebe dich.' i knew that meant 'i love you.'  i get to hold onto that forever.
i'm thankful for the opportunity to hold his hand as he sleeps. maybe he didn't even know i was there. but i did.
Russell Burkhart, you've been a stubborn old man since the moment I met you, but you've always been my Grandpa... and you've been a pretty great one!  It's been tough to see you fight these last few days, but I know a stubborn man doesn't go down without a fight!! I hope you feel the love that surrounds you each and everyday and I hope you feel the prayers that are sent up on your behalf. I love you, Grandpa. I always will.

empty promises??

The past two nights when we put the girls to bed, Eden has cried when we left the room. She says she wants me. She doesn't want to be alone. She's scared.
Kid's have irrational fears. Who really knows where these fears come from, but it's something we work through as parents. With Eden, we've dealt with a lot of these fears in the last four years. Fear of shadows, fear of clocks, fear of doors. fear of lights, fear of airplanes in the hallway (yes... airplanes in the hallway..)  the list goes on. The fears come and go and life is left relatively unchanged by them. But this weeks fear left me stumped.
I can tell my daughter with absolute confidence that shadows aren't scary. I can explain what a shadow is and assure her that the shadow will remain on the wall and never do anything to her. And after telling her this, I can sleep peacefully knowing she will be safe alone in her room even if there is a shadow on the wall next to her bed.
But Tuesday night when I asked her what scared her, she said something that I couldn't just brush aside. She was scared that someone was going to get her. I asked what exactly she meant by that. She said she was afraid someone was going to hurt her. So, I put on my strong Mama face and told her no one was going to hurt her. Mommy, Daddy, and Jada were the only other people in the house and we would not hurt her. And I promised her that no one else would be allowed to come in the house, so she didn't need to worry. I left the room hoping she believed me. And hoping what I told her was true.
But the truth is, I can't promise my girls that no one will ever come into our house and try to hurt them. There are evil people in the world that put their own wants and desires above the safety and well-being of other people. And there is one person I know of for sure that did enter a home uninvited and did try to hurt a little girl. And he has never paid the consequences for his actions.
It has been nearly 18 years, but there are days (days like Tuesday) that the emotions are just as raw as they were that summer night so long ago.
I have come a long way since then. I may be a bit more paranoid, but overall I feel that I've healed pretty well emotionally. I don't carry any physical scars (my parents carry those for me). I have forgiven the invader. I long for closure, but I have successfully moved forward in my life without it. In fact, it may have taken the better part of 2 decades to get to this point but I can honestly say that there are days that go by that I don't even think about that long, dark night.
But then, with a word, my daughter stirs up these emotions that remind me we live in a broken world and we are never completely safe.
I'm not sure how I will deal with this as my daughters grow. God has loaned these girls to Nate and I and we are charged with the responsibility of raising them to the best of our abilities. I feel my biggest responsibility is to raise them up to be Godly women. I want them to grow up to love Jesus and I want them to ooze His love  (do you like that word??  Ooze..... ahh.... )  :)
But in the midst of nurturing their spiritual life, there is a job that is even harder for me. Protecting them from everything evil in this life.  I want to keep them safe. I want to hide them. I want to shelter them. I want to keep the boogy-man (real and imagined) away from them. But we all know this isn't possible. Or healthy.
So as they grow older I have to decide how to expose them to the world they live in. When they are scared, I will comfort them and tell them everything is going to be ok. But someday I need to tell them the truth. Sometimes things will happen that will give them very real reasons to be afraid.  I hope, in those moments, they will know they have a Mommy and Daddy that they can lean on. There will never be a fear too small to bring to us. We will always be there to listen to them. We will always be there to comfort them. And even in the moments their earthly, very human, parents let them down, they will have the Ultimate Comforter to turn to!

Dear Lord,
I'm scared. Just like Eden, I'm scared that someday someone is going to try to hurt her or Jada. I'm scared I won't be there to protect them. But there is a peace inside me that knows even in those moments, you will be there. You are always there. We are never faced with challenges too big as long as we have you on our side. Thank you for being our protector. Thank you for being my savior. Thank you for loving my children even more than I do.
Amen