Loneliness

I remained what I would consider emotionally stable for about 6 weeks. Then slowly, thread by thread, I started to unravel. The changes were hardly noticeable at the start, but as the days and weeks wore on, everything inside me just got more intense. But there were several other events happening in my life at the time, and I was able to blame these feelings on those changes. Any one of these things could have sent a normal person into a mild, short-term depression, so to be dealing with them all at once, it was no wonder I was a little on edge!
As I plunged deeper and deeper into this depression, the feeling that plagued me above all others was loneliness. An all-consuming loneliness. A loneliness that occupied my thoughts all day and all night.
No one understood me... no one around me had experienced anything even remotely close to what I was going through. I had no one to talk to. It suddenly became very real to me that I only had a few friends that I felt I could talk about this with -- and only one of them lived even remotely close to me. I couldn't stand it. I felt like I was putting on a show for everyone around me. It wasn't worth it to me to expose my feelings to a bunch of people that I was sure didn't care about me, so it was just easier to "fake it." But that was becoming exhausting!! It reached a point that I was so certain that nobody cared for me or my feelings that I started to not care about anyone else... I became so self-absorbed!! This only intensified my loneliness... because now I 'knew' there was no one in the world that cared a lick about me. I couldn't even figure out why I was wasting my time walking through the motions of life. I just wanted to curl up in a hole somewhere and never talk to anyone ever again.
The only thing that kept me moving forward during these dark times were those two precious little girls of mine (yes... the very two that were causing these emotional ups and downs... life is funny, isn't it??!)
This loneliness consumed me day and night, but the night was definitely the worst. Jada still wasn't sleeping through the night, so I was up every night at least once - usually 2 or 3 times - with her. As I sat in her room rocking her, all I could do was cry. Tears of sadness. Tears of loneliness. Tears of exhaustion. Tears of confusion. The list goes on and on.... I just didn't (and still don't) understand. It is very apparent to me that God placed in my heart the desire to be a mother. I know this is the path that he set me on. I have always wanted a large family and, believe it or not, I still do. I know God wants me to be a mother. He wants me to be home raising my children. So why - oh why, oh why, oh why - did he not also place in my heart an unending amount of patience and understanding and peace and, well, levelheadedness!!!