Thursday, August 11, 2011
the little guy that follows me around
ok.... this is by no means any type of advertisement for any drugs. i have never taken abilify. i just decided to share this ad because the first time i saw it, it hit me in such a significant way. if you will notice, even though she is on medication for her depression and is even taking another drug to help her anti-depressant work better, her depression is always there. yes, it is more manageable. she is able to function more normally because it is smaller... not so all-encompassing. but it's still there. it's always there. everywhere she goes, that little guy is right behind her. almost as if he is set and prepared to attack at a moments notice.
that is exactly how depression feels for me. it doesn't matter how good i feel day-to-day, i always know i have this animal riding on my back ... maybe sleeping right now, but never too far away...
WOW
.... that is the way many of you have responded to this blog, and that seems to be the best response to give back to you.
i published this blog as a way of getting these feelings off my heart. as a way of telling those closest to me what i was going through so it wasn't a secret anymore. i was tired of 'putting on a show.' just ready for the real me to be completely exposed.
what i didn't expect was the absolute outpouring of support i have received. it just goes to show, if you give people the opportunity to care about you, they really will.
thank you so much for your kind words, your prayers, and also for sharing your own stories. you know what they say... misery loves company. this is the second traumatic, life-changing experience i've lived through (i suppose i should praise the Lord that it's only 2!!) and in both situations, my view has been this: "this sucks. but if me experiencing it means that someone else doesn't have to, then it is worth every heartache i have felt." so, i guess there is two sides to 'misery loves company.' first... it's so nice to be able to share these experiences with others. it's not so lonely that way. and it makes me feel like less of an alien. it's comforting to know that others have felt these feelings and even acted the same as i have on occasion. so maybe i'm not as horrible as i sometimes think i am. second.... i fall back to 'this sucks.' it makes me so sad that other mothers have felt this way. because i know how their heart has broken. i know how their families have suffered. i know how alone they have felt. i know how hard it has been for them to put one foot in front of the other just to get through one day (and sometimes just one hour). and i know how scared they were to tell anyone what they were going through.
the initial mission of this blog was all about me. healing me. but there is a second mission. you. i know, now, just how prevalent this disease is. but we all know that. you can read that in any book. but books and statistics don't mean anything when you are all alone in your bedroom afraid to come out and face the world.
i hope by sharing this blog, i can help someone else know there is hope. day by day i am finding a little more hope and it is my desire that others can find that hope, too.
here is a glimpse into some of the emails and other notes i have received over the past couple of weeks:
"your words are my words"
"your stories are my stories"
"know that you aren't alone"
"thank you for being transparent"
"you have made me feel normal"
"God is going to use you to help others"
"thank you!"
"maybe i should have reached out for help, too"
"i'm glad you shared"
the list goes on and on.... so, again, i say thank you for all your support, kind words, and prayers. i'm going to conquer this beast and when it's all said and done, please know that you helped!!!
and, PLEASE!! keep sharing your stories with me. whether it's about ppd, another type of depression, a bad day, or any other story that has been brought to your mind after reading this. your stories are really what this is all about!
i published this blog as a way of getting these feelings off my heart. as a way of telling those closest to me what i was going through so it wasn't a secret anymore. i was tired of 'putting on a show.' just ready for the real me to be completely exposed.
what i didn't expect was the absolute outpouring of support i have received. it just goes to show, if you give people the opportunity to care about you, they really will.
thank you so much for your kind words, your prayers, and also for sharing your own stories. you know what they say... misery loves company. this is the second traumatic, life-changing experience i've lived through (i suppose i should praise the Lord that it's only 2!!) and in both situations, my view has been this: "this sucks. but if me experiencing it means that someone else doesn't have to, then it is worth every heartache i have felt." so, i guess there is two sides to 'misery loves company.' first... it's so nice to be able to share these experiences with others. it's not so lonely that way. and it makes me feel like less of an alien. it's comforting to know that others have felt these feelings and even acted the same as i have on occasion. so maybe i'm not as horrible as i sometimes think i am. second.... i fall back to 'this sucks.' it makes me so sad that other mothers have felt this way. because i know how their heart has broken. i know how their families have suffered. i know how alone they have felt. i know how hard it has been for them to put one foot in front of the other just to get through one day (and sometimes just one hour). and i know how scared they were to tell anyone what they were going through.
the initial mission of this blog was all about me. healing me. but there is a second mission. you. i know, now, just how prevalent this disease is. but we all know that. you can read that in any book. but books and statistics don't mean anything when you are all alone in your bedroom afraid to come out and face the world.
i hope by sharing this blog, i can help someone else know there is hope. day by day i am finding a little more hope and it is my desire that others can find that hope, too.
here is a glimpse into some of the emails and other notes i have received over the past couple of weeks:
"your words are my words"
"your stories are my stories"
"know that you aren't alone"
"thank you for being transparent"
"you have made me feel normal"
"God is going to use you to help others"
"thank you!"
"maybe i should have reached out for help, too"
"i'm glad you shared"
the list goes on and on.... so, again, i say thank you for all your support, kind words, and prayers. i'm going to conquer this beast and when it's all said and done, please know that you helped!!!
and, PLEASE!! keep sharing your stories with me. whether it's about ppd, another type of depression, a bad day, or any other story that has been brought to your mind after reading this. your stories are really what this is all about!
Saturday, August 6, 2011
the plan for today.....
.....quiet discipline
sometimes i really struggle with discipline. not because i don't want to teach my kids right from wrong, but because some days it's just so hard to sit and watch them cry. but with a 3 year old and almost 2 year old in the house who are both playing their roles very well (the terrible 2s and trying 3s), discipline has started to come almost too easy. i have seen my pendulum swing successfully from one extreme to the other -- super sensitive and understanding to yelling and spanking with no apologies. and i know there is a middle ground somewhere that i am supposed to find.
so today i'm going to try to be the mom i always intended to be when i first became a parent: the fits will be fits. if you feel the need to throw a fit, that's fine, but i'm not going to do anything to stop it and i'm not going to sit by your side and wait for it to stop. when you are finished with your fit, you can come fine me and we will talk about it.
and i'm not going to raise my voice or my hand today. no yelling -- no spanking. there will be 3 calm warnings before you are walked quietly to time out.
i hope i have the patience to pull this off today. because i know this is what my house needs. especially during this trying season of 2 and 3 year olds!!
sometimes i really struggle with discipline. not because i don't want to teach my kids right from wrong, but because some days it's just so hard to sit and watch them cry. but with a 3 year old and almost 2 year old in the house who are both playing their roles very well (the terrible 2s and trying 3s), discipline has started to come almost too easy. i have seen my pendulum swing successfully from one extreme to the other -- super sensitive and understanding to yelling and spanking with no apologies. and i know there is a middle ground somewhere that i am supposed to find.
so today i'm going to try to be the mom i always intended to be when i first became a parent: the fits will be fits. if you feel the need to throw a fit, that's fine, but i'm not going to do anything to stop it and i'm not going to sit by your side and wait for it to stop. when you are finished with your fit, you can come fine me and we will talk about it.
and i'm not going to raise my voice or my hand today. no yelling -- no spanking. there will be 3 calm warnings before you are walked quietly to time out.
i hope i have the patience to pull this off today. because i know this is what my house needs. especially during this trying season of 2 and 3 year olds!!
Friday, July 29, 2011
Do Everything
Steven Curtis Chapman
Your picking up toys on the living room floor for the 15th time today
Matching up socks
Sweeping up lost cheerios that got away
You put a baby on your hip
Color on your lips and head out the door
While I may not know you,
I bet I know you
Wonder sometimes, does it matter at all?
Well let me remind you, it all matters just as long
As you do everything you do to the glory of the One who made you,
Cause he made you,
To do
Every little thing that you do
To bring a smile to His face
Tell the story of grace
With every move that you make
And every little thing you do
Maybe your that guy with the suit and tie
Maybe your shirt says your name
You may be hooking up mergers
Cooking up burgers
But at the end of the day
Little stuff
Big stuff
In between stuff
God sees it all the same
While I may not know you
I bet I know you
Wonder sometimes, does it matter at all?
[ Lyrics from: http://www.lyricsfreak.com/s/steven+curtis+chapman/do+everything_20976410.html ]
Well let me remind you, it all matters just as long
As you do everything you do to the glory of the One who made you,
Cause he made you
To do
Every little thing that you do
To bring a smile to His face
Tell the story of grace
With every move that you make
And every thing you do
Maybe your sitting in math class
Or maybe on a mission in the Congo
Or maybe your working at the office
Singing along with the radio
Maybe your dining at a 5-star
Or feeding orphans in the...
Anywhere and everywhere that you are
Whatever you do
It all matters
So do what you do
Don't ever forget
To do everything you do to the glory of the One who made you,
Cause He made you
To do
Every little thing that you do
To bring a smile to His face
And tell the story of grace
As you do everything you do to the glory of the One who made you,
Cause he made you
To do
Every little thing that you do
To bring a smile to His face
And tell the story of grace
With every move that you make
And every little thing you do
Your picking up toys on the living room floor for the 15th time today
Matching up socks
Sweeping up lost cheerios that got away
You put a baby on your hip
Color on your lips and head out the door
While I may not know you,
I bet I know you
Wonder sometimes, does it matter at all?
Well let me remind you, it all matters just as long
As you do everything you do to the glory of the One who made you,
Cause he made you,
To do
Every little thing that you do
To bring a smile to His face
Tell the story of grace
With every move that you make
And every little thing you do
Maybe your that guy with the suit and tie
Maybe your shirt says your name
You may be hooking up mergers
Cooking up burgers
But at the end of the day
Little stuff
Big stuff
In between stuff
God sees it all the same
While I may not know you
I bet I know you
Wonder sometimes, does it matter at all?
[ Lyrics from: http://www.lyricsfreak.com/s/steven+curtis+chapman/do+everything_20976410.html ]
Well let me remind you, it all matters just as long
As you do everything you do to the glory of the One who made you,
Cause he made you
To do
Every little thing that you do
To bring a smile to His face
Tell the story of grace
With every move that you make
And every thing you do
Maybe your sitting in math class
Or maybe on a mission in the Congo
Or maybe your working at the office
Singing along with the radio
Maybe your dining at a 5-star
Or feeding orphans in the...
Anywhere and everywhere that you are
Whatever you do
It all matters
So do what you do
Don't ever forget
To do everything you do to the glory of the One who made you,
Cause He made you
To do
Every little thing that you do
To bring a smile to His face
And tell the story of grace
As you do everything you do to the glory of the One who made you,
Cause he made you
To do
Every little thing that you do
To bring a smile to His face
And tell the story of grace
With every move that you make
And every little thing you do
Thursday, July 28, 2011
Time to go Public...
I've decided that it is time to make this blog visible to my friends and family. It took me a long time to come to this conclusion. As much as I want to share my story and start a dialogue that may start the next leg of my recovery, it's hard. It's hard to open myself up like this -- to be so transparent.
So if you choose to read and/or follow this blog, this is what I ask of you:
So if you choose to read and/or follow this blog, this is what I ask of you:
- start from the beginning. do me the honor of going back to the very beginning and reading it all. that way you know where i've been, where i'm coming from, and why i am where i am right now.
- forgive me. i have felt things and said things that i'm not necessarily proud of. but that's all part of this ride i'm on right now. i've chosen to not judge myself for these things but instead forgive myself and move forward with a greater understanding of God's love and grace. i ask that you do the same.
- challenge me. if i didn't want to talk about these events and emotions, i would not be allowing you to look into this part of my life. i need to talk, i need to share, i need you to share. this will all help me move into the next stage of my recovery. so leave comments, ask questions, share your story, call me.... do whatever you need to do, but engage yourself. and engage me.
Imitation is the sincerest form of flattery.
I often get annoyed when the girls want to do whatever the other one is doing. Or wear what she's wearing. Or play with the very same doll she is playing with. We have a house filled with toys and books and dresses and babies and barbies. Why do we all have to fight over the same small thing.
But today it hit me in a completely different way. Or I viewed it with a completely different attitude -- hard telling which one it was for sure, but whatever it was, it was good.
They love each other. They are head over heels for each other. They would go to the ends of the earth for each other. They are best friends. Forever.
So of course they want to mimic and imitate each other... it's a way to be closer to each other. And it's a way of saying, "I like you, I like what you do, and I want to be more like you."
Earlier this afternoon, that is where that thought stopped. They imitate because they love. But over the course of the afternoon, my mind kept coming back to that moment (the moment that they were both walking around in slippers with their purses and their babies, shopping) and as I was doing dishes I was overwhelmed. When I watch those girls take care of their baby dolls, I am always so impressed with the love and care they show. They are so gentle with their babies and so aware of the babies needs (ok, I haven't lost my mind... I am completely aware that baby dolls don't have real needs.... just work with me on this one...). Where do they learn this from? Is it just something that a kid is born with? Or do they learn how to care from their caretakers??
I often question myself about how good of a job I am doing in my parenting. I love my kids more than life itself, but do I show that to them? Do they feel the effects of me putting their needs before mine every single day -- because I can't imagine it the other way around? Do they know how special and important they are?
What if they have learned how to care for their babies because of how I have cared for them? If that's the case, I think I'm doing an OK job. And if they are imitating me because they love me, then I am flattered. Thanks, girls. I love you, too!
But today it hit me in a completely different way. Or I viewed it with a completely different attitude -- hard telling which one it was for sure, but whatever it was, it was good.
They love each other. They are head over heels for each other. They would go to the ends of the earth for each other. They are best friends. Forever.
So of course they want to mimic and imitate each other... it's a way to be closer to each other. And it's a way of saying, "I like you, I like what you do, and I want to be more like you."
Earlier this afternoon, that is where that thought stopped. They imitate because they love. But over the course of the afternoon, my mind kept coming back to that moment (the moment that they were both walking around in slippers with their purses and their babies, shopping) and as I was doing dishes I was overwhelmed. When I watch those girls take care of their baby dolls, I am always so impressed with the love and care they show. They are so gentle with their babies and so aware of the babies needs (ok, I haven't lost my mind... I am completely aware that baby dolls don't have real needs.... just work with me on this one...). Where do they learn this from? Is it just something that a kid is born with? Or do they learn how to care from their caretakers??
I often question myself about how good of a job I am doing in my parenting. I love my kids more than life itself, but do I show that to them? Do they feel the effects of me putting their needs before mine every single day -- because I can't imagine it the other way around? Do they know how special and important they are?
What if they have learned how to care for their babies because of how I have cared for them? If that's the case, I think I'm doing an OK job. And if they are imitating me because they love me, then I am flattered. Thanks, girls. I love you, too!
Wednesday, July 6, 2011
super mom??
Why do I feel like I need to be super mom?? Why do I think I need to be the best and do the best and do it all by myself??
I have a wonderful support system.... an amazing husband that would literally do anything for me, yet I refuse to give him the opportunity. a great extended family that does nothing but love me, yet I refuse to feel it. awesome friends that will listen to whatever is on my heart, yet I can't seem to speak my words and feelings to them.
I've been trying so hard to let go of this 'control' in my life. Instead of being the 'all-powerful mom' I keep thinking I should be, I desperately want to be dependent on other people to help me get through this phase in my life. I'm just not quite sure how to let go.
Over the course of trying to find healing, I keep lecturing myself on baby steps. I can't do it all or change it all in one day, so I just need to take baby steps. If I do the things that seem to be the easiest now, I can release myself from those burdens so I have more energy to focus on the bigger things that consume me.
Wanna know something funny? I recently decided to get rid of all my matching dishes (i saved one nice, complete set in case I ever need to fall back on it). Instead of being matchy-matchy, I decided to use unique, individual pieces. Nothing matches. The plates don't match themselves and none of them match the bowls (for the most part, anyway..) Last night at dinner, Nate asked me how it was that we went from having all matching dishes to this complete randomness.... I answered him simply, "because that's what I decided I wanted to do." But in that very moment, I realized something I hadn't before. This was a baby step towards letting go of control (seriously, folks, I'm a control freak). Previously, I could not set the table with 4 plates that didn't match. It would drive me CRAZY. But now I can just count how many people are eating and plop that many plates on the table without stressing over whether they all look the same. And ya know what?? Sometimes I even eat off of a Dora plate! Wooo.... I'm getting all wild and crazy over here!!
It just seems so funny to me, because this is not at all what I intended when I decided to switcheroo the dishes -- but I literally feel like I have freed myself from some kind of bondage! Crazy, I know.... but if you lived in my head, you'd totally get it! :)
I have a wonderful support system.... an amazing husband that would literally do anything for me, yet I refuse to give him the opportunity. a great extended family that does nothing but love me, yet I refuse to feel it. awesome friends that will listen to whatever is on my heart, yet I can't seem to speak my words and feelings to them.
I've been trying so hard to let go of this 'control' in my life. Instead of being the 'all-powerful mom' I keep thinking I should be, I desperately want to be dependent on other people to help me get through this phase in my life. I'm just not quite sure how to let go.
Over the course of trying to find healing, I keep lecturing myself on baby steps. I can't do it all or change it all in one day, so I just need to take baby steps. If I do the things that seem to be the easiest now, I can release myself from those burdens so I have more energy to focus on the bigger things that consume me.
Wanna know something funny? I recently decided to get rid of all my matching dishes (i saved one nice, complete set in case I ever need to fall back on it). Instead of being matchy-matchy, I decided to use unique, individual pieces. Nothing matches. The plates don't match themselves and none of them match the bowls (for the most part, anyway..) Last night at dinner, Nate asked me how it was that we went from having all matching dishes to this complete randomness.... I answered him simply, "because that's what I decided I wanted to do." But in that very moment, I realized something I hadn't before. This was a baby step towards letting go of control (seriously, folks, I'm a control freak). Previously, I could not set the table with 4 plates that didn't match. It would drive me CRAZY. But now I can just count how many people are eating and plop that many plates on the table without stressing over whether they all look the same. And ya know what?? Sometimes I even eat off of a Dora plate! Wooo.... I'm getting all wild and crazy over here!!
It just seems so funny to me, because this is not at all what I intended when I decided to switcheroo the dishes -- but I literally feel like I have freed myself from some kind of bondage! Crazy, I know.... but if you lived in my head, you'd totally get it! :)
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