letting go

it is so hard to transition from prayers for healing to prayers for comfort.
it's hard to not kick yourself over and over (and over) for all those times you didn't just stop in to say hi.
it stinks when you think of questions you want to ask when they are unable to answer.
it's wonderful to see so much family in one room enjoying each others company. it's sad that it takes the end of a life to bring so many people to that room.
it's hard to watch someone you love slowly fade. but i'm so thankful for ample opportunity to say good-bye.
i'm grateful for photos and their ability to forever freeze memories in time. we will reach a point that we will have to stop making new memories, but we will never have to forget the old ones.
i will never forget the day i stopped by, even though i just wanted to go home. he said 'ich liebe dich.' i knew that meant 'i love you.'  i get to hold onto that forever.
i'm thankful for the opportunity to hold his hand as he sleeps. maybe he didn't even know i was there. but i did.
Russell Burkhart, you've been a stubborn old man since the moment I met you, but you've always been my Grandpa... and you've been a pretty great one!  It's been tough to see you fight these last few days, but I know a stubborn man doesn't go down without a fight!! I hope you feel the love that surrounds you each and everyday and I hope you feel the prayers that are sent up on your behalf. I love you, Grandpa. I always will.

empty promises??

The past two nights when we put the girls to bed, Eden has cried when we left the room. She says she wants me. She doesn't want to be alone. She's scared.
Kid's have irrational fears. Who really knows where these fears come from, but it's something we work through as parents. With Eden, we've dealt with a lot of these fears in the last four years. Fear of shadows, fear of clocks, fear of doors. fear of lights, fear of airplanes in the hallway (yes... airplanes in the hallway..)  the list goes on. The fears come and go and life is left relatively unchanged by them. But this weeks fear left me stumped.
I can tell my daughter with absolute confidence that shadows aren't scary. I can explain what a shadow is and assure her that the shadow will remain on the wall and never do anything to her. And after telling her this, I can sleep peacefully knowing she will be safe alone in her room even if there is a shadow on the wall next to her bed.
But Tuesday night when I asked her what scared her, she said something that I couldn't just brush aside. She was scared that someone was going to get her. I asked what exactly she meant by that. She said she was afraid someone was going to hurt her. So, I put on my strong Mama face and told her no one was going to hurt her. Mommy, Daddy, and Jada were the only other people in the house and we would not hurt her. And I promised her that no one else would be allowed to come in the house, so she didn't need to worry. I left the room hoping she believed me. And hoping what I told her was true.
But the truth is, I can't promise my girls that no one will ever come into our house and try to hurt them. There are evil people in the world that put their own wants and desires above the safety and well-being of other people. And there is one person I know of for sure that did enter a home uninvited and did try to hurt a little girl. And he has never paid the consequences for his actions.
It has been nearly 18 years, but there are days (days like Tuesday) that the emotions are just as raw as they were that summer night so long ago.
I have come a long way since then. I may be a bit more paranoid, but overall I feel that I've healed pretty well emotionally. I don't carry any physical scars (my parents carry those for me). I have forgiven the invader. I long for closure, but I have successfully moved forward in my life without it. In fact, it may have taken the better part of 2 decades to get to this point but I can honestly say that there are days that go by that I don't even think about that long, dark night.
But then, with a word, my daughter stirs up these emotions that remind me we live in a broken world and we are never completely safe.
I'm not sure how I will deal with this as my daughters grow. God has loaned these girls to Nate and I and we are charged with the responsibility of raising them to the best of our abilities. I feel my biggest responsibility is to raise them up to be Godly women. I want them to grow up to love Jesus and I want them to ooze His love  (do you like that word??  Ooze..... ahh.... )  :)
But in the midst of nurturing their spiritual life, there is a job that is even harder for me. Protecting them from everything evil in this life.  I want to keep them safe. I want to hide them. I want to shelter them. I want to keep the boogy-man (real and imagined) away from them. But we all know this isn't possible. Or healthy.
So as they grow older I have to decide how to expose them to the world they live in. When they are scared, I will comfort them and tell them everything is going to be ok. But someday I need to tell them the truth. Sometimes things will happen that will give them very real reasons to be afraid.  I hope, in those moments, they will know they have a Mommy and Daddy that they can lean on. There will never be a fear too small to bring to us. We will always be there to listen to them. We will always be there to comfort them. And even in the moments their earthly, very human, parents let them down, they will have the Ultimate Comforter to turn to!

Dear Lord,
I'm scared. Just like Eden, I'm scared that someday someone is going to try to hurt her or Jada. I'm scared I won't be there to protect them. But there is a peace inside me that knows even in those moments, you will be there. You are always there. We are never faced with challenges too big as long as we have you on our side. Thank you for being our protector. Thank you for being my savior. Thank you for loving my children even more than I do.
Amen 

a new normal

if i've blogged about this before, i apologize. i don't think i have, but it's a subject that comes up repeatedly in my life, so i suppose it's a possibility.
normal.
so often i find myself wondering why life can't just be normal again. and over and over again i have to remind myself that this is normal. the new normal. life will never be as it was before. nor do i want it to be. if life is as it was before, i wouldn't have jada. if life is as it was before that, i wouldn't have eden. and if i decide i want to be even 'more' normal and go to life before that, i wouldn't have nate.
when i look at it like that, i don't want any of those normals! i love what i have now. what a beautiful family God has created!! why would i wish to change it?
our life is a constant cycle of new normals. i think some of them are just a little harder to adjust to than others. i so badly want to just be 'me' again. but to be that 'me' would require that i make changes i am not willing to make. so instead i will adapt to this new normal. i will love this life i have been blessed with. and i will hang on tight and ride this ride until the next new normal arrives.then i'll work through this all over again. :)
i really do love my life!!

Whose standards?

Do you ever stop and think about the things you expect your kids to do??  So often, I have these expectations for my kids..... I want them to do this, or I think they should be doing that...
One thing I feel that I've done pretty well at as a parent is not comparing my kids to other peoples kids. I don't think I've ever really compared my children's development to that of other kids their age. I am completely aware of the fact that kids don't progress at the same rate and therefore other kids will be doing things my kids aren't and my kids will do things that other kids aren't. That's life. And I'm ok with that.  30 years from now, they will not be basing their successes and failures on how soon they were potty-trained or if they took a dance class or when they learned to write their name or if they always colored within the lines or how easily they were able to walk up the stairs. Because 30 years from now, they won't be wearing diapers, they will dance however their heart tells them to dance, they will be able to write their name with their eyes closed, they will be watching their own children color outside the lines and they will be taking 2 or 3 steps at a time.
But it became very apparent to me this week what I have not done so well. God really knocked me over the head about the fact that I sometimes expect unrealistic things. I have these preconceived notions about what I want my girls to do (things they should be interested in, activities they should want to do, places they should want to go.... you get the idea). I get so caught up in what I want my girls to be doing, that I totally miss out on what they are actually doing.
I don't want to miss out on that stuff!!  Children are incredibly intelligent. And they have amazing imaginations. And we have to let them use these minds the good Lord has given them and allow these little people develop into the big people they will someday (too soon) become.
I will admit it... I am a hovering mom. I have this overwhelming need to be involved in everything my kiddos are doing. But, man! When I am able to yank myself away and just let them be, it's so amazing to just watch them be. Be whatever they want to be.

Dear Lord, thank you for entrusting these little lives to my care. I know I am not capable of doing this job on my own, but with Your help, I promise to do my very best to raise them up in a way that is pleasing to You. Please help me to focus on the little things in their lives. Because sometimes those are the big things!! And these moments are fleeting.... one of these days, I am going to blink and when I open my eyes, these toddlers will be adults. When that day comes, I don't want to look back and regret missing the little things because I was way too focused on the "big" things.    AMEN

I'm trying it......

So, a good friend told me this week that she stopped taking her anti-depressants and has replaced them with Vitamin-B. She said so far she has had good results.

At this point, I think you all know if I could get rid of just one thing in my life, it's those stinkin' pills.  So I immediately did some research and decided it's worth a shot! And the next day I went out to get some B-Complex vitamins.  I'm not going cold turkey on the anti-depressants, but I'm going to try it and see what happens when I gradually wean myself.

Pray for me -- I really hope this works!! 

Vitamin B and Depression

Vitamin B supplements may help people to fight depression, research suggests.
Scientists found that people with depression responded better to treatment if they had high levels of vitamin B12 in their blood.
They suggest taking vitamin B supplements may be a way to boost the effectiveness of anti-depressants.
The research, by Kuopio University in Finland, is published in the journal BMC Psychiatry.
The researchers monitored 115 outpatients who were receiving treatment for depression over a six-month period.
They measured vitamin B12 levels in the patients' blood when they first came to the clinic, and again at their six-month check up.
The patients who responded fully to treatment had higher concentrations of vitamin B12 in their blood at both the start and the end of the study than those for whom treatment was less effective.
The association remained significant even after other factors such as smoking and drinking habits, type of treatment received, and family history of depression were taken into consideration.
Lead researcher Professor Jukka Hintikka told BBC News Online the finding was potentially significant as many people do not respond to anti-depression treatments.

The B-Complex Vitamins for depression:

The B-complex vitamins are essential to mental and emotional well-being. They cannot be stored in our bodies, so we depend entirely on our daily diet to supply them. B vitamins are destroyed by alcohol, refined sugars, nicotine, and caffeine so it is no surprise that many people may be deficient in these.
Vitamins and depression What is the relationship between the Vitamins and Depression? There are a variety of vitamin deficiencies that can lead to depression symptoms. Correcting deficiencies, when present, often relieves depression
B-Vitamin Problems May Cause Depression in Some. The first clinical effects of insufficient vitamin B complex are mood changes, insomnia, changes in appetite, sugar carving and impaired drug metabolism. As a group, the B vitamins plays an important role both in alleviating depression and in relieving the anxiety and restlessness which often accompanies it.
See the chart to know effects of various vitamins and minerals deficiency in depression See the chart which explains in a nutshell the benifits, deficiency effects, source and daily dosage of the B Vitaimin family.
Vitamin B1 and its deficiency leading Depression Vitamin B1 is essential for nerve stimulation and for metabolism of carbohydrates to give brain energy as well as body energy. Deficiency symptoms include mood disorders, anxiety, insomnia, restlessness, night terror etc.
Vitamin B - B2 and its deficiency leading Depression Although this vitamin itself has not generally associate with emotional states, researchers find that diets restricted only in riboflavin produce adverse personality changes, including aggressive personality alterations.
Vitamin B3 Vitamin B deficiency has been associated with depression ans anxiety. It helps in irritability and other mental disturbances.
Vitamin B - B5 Vitamin B5 is active in the formation of the neurotransmitter acetylcholine, which can be involved in some depression. A deficiency can caues depression, fatigue and allergies.
Vitamin B6 Vitamin B6 has a major importance in regulating your mood disorders and is the most implicated of all the vitamins in the cause and treatment od depression.
Vitamin B12 and its deficiency leading depression The mental changes caused by deficiency of Vitamin B12 can raise from difficulty in concentrating or remembering, mental fatigue and low moods, to a severe depression, intense agitation etc.

Fear Of Antidepressants Leads People To Shun Treatment

by Nancy Shute

11:28 am

September 14, 2011

 

Amanda M Hatfield

 

As common as antidepressant use has become, many depressed people still fear treatment.

Antidepressants are the second-most-prescribed drug in the U.S., making them seem about as common as Pez candy. Yet many people won't tell their primary care doctor that they're suffering symptoms of depression because they're afraid they'll be prescribed antidepressants, according to some new research. And the people who are suffering the most are the ones least likely ask for help.

There's long been a stigma about mental illness, and though people are far more upfront about depression than they were in years past, that stigma hasn't gone away. Just ask someone who's been turned down for life insurance because they took antidepressants long ago, or someone who's afraid to tell the boss why they're struggling to make it in to work.
But clinical depression is common, affecting almost 7 percent of adults each year. Given that, and the suffering it causes, you'd think people would be hustling to the doctor's to get help. But you'd be wrong.
  Researchers asked more than a thousand Californians if they would tell their primary care doctor about symptoms of depression. Almost half the people said they had their reasons for keeping the symptoms secret. The No. 1 reason: 23 percent said they feared that they would be prescribed antidepressants.

"There's this anxiety about medications in general," Robert Bell, lead author on the study, told Shots. With antidepressants, he said, that anxiety includes worries about side effects as well as stigma.

The findings were published this week in the Annals of Family Medicine.

There were other reasons for not telling. People didn't think that it was a primary care doctor's job to deal with emotional issues. They had fears about confidentiality. They feared being referred to a psychiatrist. And they didn't want to get tagged as a psychiatric patient. The more depressed the people were, the more likely they were to say that these reasons for not seeking care applied to them.
Bell is especially concerned about the notion that people won't seek treatment for depression from a primary care doctor, because that's where care for depression is most readily available.
"Depression is something that the primary care physician is trained to deal with," says Bell, who is a professor of communication and public health at the University of California, Davis. "I think most people assume if you're depressed that you're off to the psychiatrist, and that's not true."

A recent study found that 7 percent of all visits to a primary care doctor include a prescription for antidepressants, but other studies have found that 25 percent of people with depression aren't getting diagnosed or treated in primary care.

Getting out is good for the spirit

Some days are harder than others. Some days it takes all the energy i have just to get up and fix everyone breakfast (and by "fix breakfast" i mean pour the cereal or open the poptarts). On those days, showering and changing out of my jammies comes later in the day... much later.
But the days that I am forced to motivate myself early can be so rewarding. Today I actually managed to get out of bed and showered before the girls had a chance to come wake me up!  We had a friend coming over to play and everyone was excited about it! Since we were up and around anyway, I decided to take the kids to story time at the library.  It sounded like such a good idea at the time. The kids were super pumped about the idea and I was super proud of myself for actually taking the time to do something with my kids besides playing babies and watching movies.   But i quickly started to question my decision when everything started going downhill as soon as we started getting ready. And by downhill, I mean my girls screaming over every little thing that didn't go their way. Jada didn't want to wear shoes, Eden wanted to sit in a different car seat, Jada wanted to sit where Eden was sitting... the list goes on and on and it was all accompanied by tears. I'm not gonna lie, if the friend would not have been with us, I would have bailed. We all would have gotten out of the car and sat in time out for about 8 hours.  Thank you Mr. D for saving us all from my split-second, emotions-based decision making!! Because we had a great time at the library...  we got to meet Professor Snoozy and all his friends, listen to a story, play with puppets, and make bookmarks. And all 3 kids got to bring home a book and a movie. Life doesn't get better than that, does it?? And guess what... we ALL came home in a better mood (even Mommy!!)

(do you like how i managed to find a picture that hid "mr. friend" since i didn't ask his mom if it was ok to identify him??  i was pretty proud of myself)  :)