God, is that you??

Alright... I'm just gonna lay this out there because this burden has been laid on my heart and as much as I try to ignore it, it just won't go away.
I've had this feeling for several weeks now, and I fear it is God speaking to me and I'm trying not to listen. Several weeks ago I starting getting a nudge that I'm supposed to be a stay at home mom full-time. One year ago, I would have welcomed this calling with open arms. But right now -- well, this just isn't a good time for me. We are trying so hard to get all of our debt paid off so we can live comfortably without being prisoner to anyone else. And until we get the rental house either sold or rented, we are paying 2 mortgages and that requires my income. And, quite honestly, I LOVE my job right now. I couldn't ask for anything better. My girls are well taken care of the 3 days that I am gone, and I actually look forward to going to work.
If it was just a "feeling" I was trying to work past, I could totally do that. But instead, I kind of think that God is trying to send me signals that this is really Him speaking to me.
Around the same time I started having this feeling, my sitter gave me some devastating news (devastating to me, anyway). She is looking for a different job. She loves the kids, but she can't always handle the stress of them, so she is looking for a more "normal" job. I fully support her in this endeavor, but MAN we're going to miss her!
Then a couple weeks later and good friend confided in me that she was entertaining the idea of leaving her job to stay at home with her kiddos. And what did I say to this friend?? If the Lord is speaking to you and asking you to do this, you've got to just take a leap of faith and listen to Him. If you are doing what is best for your family, He is going to take care of you in any capacity he needs to: physically, emotionally, spiritually, financially. Hmmmm.... great advice. Maybe I should take it?? Nah....
Then this past week Eden has been sick with the flu, so I wasn't able to go to work. I went in one day and as soon as I dropped the girls off at the sitter's, I felt an extreme amount of guilt.. like I was not supposed to do that. That I was just supposed to stay home and mother my girlies. So I pick the girls up at 5 to find out that they had both been sick most of the day. They should have been with their Mommy. Needless to say, I stayed home the next day. The crazy thing about this week is that I should have been stressed out. I should have wondered what we were going to do next week when my check is half the size it usually is. I should have been tearing my hair out because I couldn't handle being cooped up with the girls. I should have been kicking myself for not getting more 'stuff' done while I was home all week. But I didn't. I felt none of that. I felt a complete peace that I was home caring for my children. And I knew deep in my heart that as long as they were safe and taken care of, everything else would take care of itself.
Then I got a call tonight. My sitter got a job. And she starts in a week.
That should be all I need. I should just decide I need to follow my heart and what I feel God is calling me to do. I don't have a sitter. I should become the caretaker. I shouldn't ask any questions.
But I'm going to. I'm going to ask a lot of questions. And God is going to answer those questions. And I'm going to ignore His answers.
Because I need my job. And I love my job. And I wouldn't be a good stay at home mom.
Yep.... I am going to consciously ignore God. What kind of person not only does this, but admits to it and keeps on doing it.
So I'm going to pray. And I'm going to ask my husband to pray. If this is really the leap we are supposed to take right now, I'm willing to take it. But I have to make 100% sure this calling is coming from my Father in heaven and not just from inside my human heart. I love my family and I would do anything for them. And I want to be a good witness to my children.... I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me.

Finding comfort in other people's pain....

I have found much healing in reading the accounts of other women's battle with PPD. The first book I read was Down Comes the Rain by Brooke Shields. I was completely blown away when I read this book, honestly. I expected to read another women's story... the emotions she felt and the actions she took to try to make herself healthy. But what I actually read when I turned the pages was my own story. I couldn't believe it. Yes, the circumstances were different. The people were different. But at the core of her story, she felt the same things I felt. She said the same things I said. She lived in the same fog I lived in. I just couldn't believe that this celebrity that lives thousands of miles from me (physically, socially, and spiritually) lived the same life I was leaving.
I know there are many women that suffer from this disease, but I've never had the opportunity to talk to any of these women. Through this whole experience, from the very beginning, I have felt so very alone. But as I read the words on those pages, I suddenly wasn't alone. I wasn't a freak. Someone else felt the same things I felt. I have struggled to put my emotions into words... but she did it for me. She made words for my thoughts. What an amazing feeling!!! In some ways, I feel this book buried me deeper in my depression, because suddenly I wasn't making up these feeling.... they were really, really real. But I don't look on this as a bad thing... I think I needed to hit the bottom in that way in order to start reaching up.
Currently I am reading Living Beyond Post Partum Depression by Jerusha Clark. Once again, I am amazed .... I am reading my story again. Jerusha documents not only her experience but also serveral other women who have survived PPD. And their words are my words. Their feelings are my feelings. Their actions are my actions.
It breaks my heart that so many women suffer from this disease. This is one of those feelings that you hope and pray no one else on the face of the earth ever has to experience. Kind of a "I'll take this on myself if that means no one else ever has to experience it" type of thing. Unfortunatly, thousands of women suffer every year.
However, I do appreciate hearing their stories and knowing I'm not alone. Such a comfort to know my feelings are felt by others!

Makin' Goals!

I made a commitment this weekend to myself and to my husband. I'm going to train for a 5K! Not that I necessarily desire to run a 5K. I despise running. It makes me hurt just talking about it!! But I need to get in shape. After 17 months, I'm still carrying around "Jada weight" and I'm sick of it. And I'm sick of being sick of it. And I'm sick of being sick of it but being too full of excuses to do anything about it. As much as I despise running, I despise being overweight more. OK... I'm not overweight. The doctor confirmed that for me. In his words, I'm "within normal range" for my body type. But I don't like it. I'm heavier than I should be. So I'm doing something about it.
So this is the plan: I found a well laid out plan called "Couch to 5K." In 9 weeks, it will take me from a nice and easy 20 minute jog/walk to running 3 miles in 30 minutes.
Based on the timeing of this schedule, I'm signing up to run the Sunburst 5K. If I start this week, I will be running by the first week of May which still gives me 1 more month to actually train on the "running" part.
But there is a second part to this goal. I'm certain that this will help me lose the weight I need to lose, but I need an end goal. So this is it.... by July 12, 2011, I want to be back to my wedding weight and I will wear the bikini I wore on my honeymoon (I may only wear it for Nate, but I WILL wear it!!) :)
That means I have 4 months to lose 20 pounds. That is totally doable.... so I'm gonna do it!!
I'm also hoping in the midst of this, the improved self-image and time spent focusing on me will improve my mental state... Here's hoping...