God, is that you??

Alright... I'm just gonna lay this out there because this burden has been laid on my heart and as much as I try to ignore it, it just won't go away.
I've had this feeling for several weeks now, and I fear it is God speaking to me and I'm trying not to listen. Several weeks ago I starting getting a nudge that I'm supposed to be a stay at home mom full-time. One year ago, I would have welcomed this calling with open arms. But right now -- well, this just isn't a good time for me. We are trying so hard to get all of our debt paid off so we can live comfortably without being prisoner to anyone else. And until we get the rental house either sold or rented, we are paying 2 mortgages and that requires my income. And, quite honestly, I LOVE my job right now. I couldn't ask for anything better. My girls are well taken care of the 3 days that I am gone, and I actually look forward to going to work.
If it was just a "feeling" I was trying to work past, I could totally do that. But instead, I kind of think that God is trying to send me signals that this is really Him speaking to me.
Around the same time I started having this feeling, my sitter gave me some devastating news (devastating to me, anyway). She is looking for a different job. She loves the kids, but she can't always handle the stress of them, so she is looking for a more "normal" job. I fully support her in this endeavor, but MAN we're going to miss her!
Then a couple weeks later and good friend confided in me that she was entertaining the idea of leaving her job to stay at home with her kiddos. And what did I say to this friend?? If the Lord is speaking to you and asking you to do this, you've got to just take a leap of faith and listen to Him. If you are doing what is best for your family, He is going to take care of you in any capacity he needs to: physically, emotionally, spiritually, financially. Hmmmm.... great advice. Maybe I should take it?? Nah....
Then this past week Eden has been sick with the flu, so I wasn't able to go to work. I went in one day and as soon as I dropped the girls off at the sitter's, I felt an extreme amount of guilt.. like I was not supposed to do that. That I was just supposed to stay home and mother my girlies. So I pick the girls up at 5 to find out that they had both been sick most of the day. They should have been with their Mommy. Needless to say, I stayed home the next day. The crazy thing about this week is that I should have been stressed out. I should have wondered what we were going to do next week when my check is half the size it usually is. I should have been tearing my hair out because I couldn't handle being cooped up with the girls. I should have been kicking myself for not getting more 'stuff' done while I was home all week. But I didn't. I felt none of that. I felt a complete peace that I was home caring for my children. And I knew deep in my heart that as long as they were safe and taken care of, everything else would take care of itself.
Then I got a call tonight. My sitter got a job. And she starts in a week.
That should be all I need. I should just decide I need to follow my heart and what I feel God is calling me to do. I don't have a sitter. I should become the caretaker. I shouldn't ask any questions.
But I'm going to. I'm going to ask a lot of questions. And God is going to answer those questions. And I'm going to ignore His answers.
Because I need my job. And I love my job. And I wouldn't be a good stay at home mom.
Yep.... I am going to consciously ignore God. What kind of person not only does this, but admits to it and keeps on doing it.
So I'm going to pray. And I'm going to ask my husband to pray. If this is really the leap we are supposed to take right now, I'm willing to take it. But I have to make 100% sure this calling is coming from my Father in heaven and not just from inside my human heart. I love my family and I would do anything for them. And I want to be a good witness to my children.... I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me.