It takes a village to raise a child. I have never really bought into this logic. In my opinion, it takes a parent (or two...) to raise a child. It's kind of a "don't bite off more than you can chew" type of philosophy. If you need a village to help you raise your kid, you probably should not venture into parenthood. But I'm starting to change my tune....
I really do believe it does take a village. But that statement requires a give and take. If I am going to accept your help in raising my children, I need to be willing to step in and help you raise yours. I have recently tried to focus more on 'letting go'. If you know anything about me, you know I tend towards being a bit of a control freak. I prefer to just do things myself rather than bothering anyone else to help me. But I've noticed as I start to relinquish a little bit of my control, life actually starts to get a little easier rather than getting more difficult. I've always felt a little bit of guilt when I leave my kids with someone else so I can get some things done without them. But I'm starting to feel more and more freedom as I allow myself to do this type of thing.
So, maybe it doesn't necessarily take a village to raise a child. But it definitely takes a village to be a sane, well-rounded parent.
Thanks to all of you who reside in my 'village'. I couldn't do this without you.
Thursday, May 12, 2011
Friday, March 18, 2011
God, is that you??
Alright... I'm just gonna lay this out there because this burden has been laid on my heart and as much as I try to ignore it, it just won't go away.
I've had this feeling for several weeks now, and I fear it is God speaking to me and I'm trying not to listen. Several weeks ago I starting getting a nudge that I'm supposed to be a stay at home mom full-time. One year ago, I would have welcomed this calling with open arms. But right now -- well, this just isn't a good time for me. We are trying so hard to get all of our debt paid off so we can live comfortably without being prisoner to anyone else. And until we get the rental house either sold or rented, we are paying 2 mortgages and that requires my income. And, quite honestly, I LOVE my job right now. I couldn't ask for anything better. My girls are well taken care of the 3 days that I am gone, and I actually look forward to going to work.
If it was just a "feeling" I was trying to work past, I could totally do that. But instead, I kind of think that God is trying to send me signals that this is really Him speaking to me.
Around the same time I started having this feeling, my sitter gave me some devastating news (devastating to me, anyway). She is looking for a different job. She loves the kids, but she can't always handle the stress of them, so she is looking for a more "normal" job. I fully support her in this endeavor, but MAN we're going to miss her!
Then a couple weeks later and good friend confided in me that she was entertaining the idea of leaving her job to stay at home with her kiddos. And what did I say to this friend?? If the Lord is speaking to you and asking you to do this, you've got to just take a leap of faith and listen to Him. If you are doing what is best for your family, He is going to take care of you in any capacity he needs to: physically, emotionally, spiritually, financially. Hmmmm.... great advice. Maybe I should take it?? Nah....
Then this past week Eden has been sick with the flu, so I wasn't able to go to work. I went in one day and as soon as I dropped the girls off at the sitter's, I felt an extreme amount of guilt.. like I was not supposed to do that. That I was just supposed to stay home and mother my girlies. So I pick the girls up at 5 to find out that they had both been sick most of the day. They should have been with their Mommy. Needless to say, I stayed home the next day. The crazy thing about this week is that I should have been stressed out. I should have wondered what we were going to do next week when my check is half the size it usually is. I should have been tearing my hair out because I couldn't handle being cooped up with the girls. I should have been kicking myself for not getting more 'stuff' done while I was home all week. But I didn't. I felt none of that. I felt a complete peace that I was home caring for my children. And I knew deep in my heart that as long as they were safe and taken care of, everything else would take care of itself.
Then I got a call tonight. My sitter got a job. And she starts in a week.
That should be all I need. I should just decide I need to follow my heart and what I feel God is calling me to do. I don't have a sitter. I should become the caretaker. I shouldn't ask any questions.
But I'm going to. I'm going to ask a lot of questions. And God is going to answer those questions. And I'm going to ignore His answers.
Because I need my job. And I love my job. And I wouldn't be a good stay at home mom.
Yep.... I am going to consciously ignore God. What kind of person not only does this, but admits to it and keeps on doing it.
So I'm going to pray. And I'm going to ask my husband to pray. If this is really the leap we are supposed to take right now, I'm willing to take it. But I have to make 100% sure this calling is coming from my Father in heaven and not just from inside my human heart. I love my family and I would do anything for them. And I want to be a good witness to my children.... I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me.
I've had this feeling for several weeks now, and I fear it is God speaking to me and I'm trying not to listen. Several weeks ago I starting getting a nudge that I'm supposed to be a stay at home mom full-time. One year ago, I would have welcomed this calling with open arms. But right now -- well, this just isn't a good time for me. We are trying so hard to get all of our debt paid off so we can live comfortably without being prisoner to anyone else. And until we get the rental house either sold or rented, we are paying 2 mortgages and that requires my income. And, quite honestly, I LOVE my job right now. I couldn't ask for anything better. My girls are well taken care of the 3 days that I am gone, and I actually look forward to going to work.
If it was just a "feeling" I was trying to work past, I could totally do that. But instead, I kind of think that God is trying to send me signals that this is really Him speaking to me.
Around the same time I started having this feeling, my sitter gave me some devastating news (devastating to me, anyway). She is looking for a different job. She loves the kids, but she can't always handle the stress of them, so she is looking for a more "normal" job. I fully support her in this endeavor, but MAN we're going to miss her!
Then a couple weeks later and good friend confided in me that she was entertaining the idea of leaving her job to stay at home with her kiddos. And what did I say to this friend?? If the Lord is speaking to you and asking you to do this, you've got to just take a leap of faith and listen to Him. If you are doing what is best for your family, He is going to take care of you in any capacity he needs to: physically, emotionally, spiritually, financially. Hmmmm.... great advice. Maybe I should take it?? Nah....
Then this past week Eden has been sick with the flu, so I wasn't able to go to work. I went in one day and as soon as I dropped the girls off at the sitter's, I felt an extreme amount of guilt.. like I was not supposed to do that. That I was just supposed to stay home and mother my girlies. So I pick the girls up at 5 to find out that they had both been sick most of the day. They should have been with their Mommy. Needless to say, I stayed home the next day. The crazy thing about this week is that I should have been stressed out. I should have wondered what we were going to do next week when my check is half the size it usually is. I should have been tearing my hair out because I couldn't handle being cooped up with the girls. I should have been kicking myself for not getting more 'stuff' done while I was home all week. But I didn't. I felt none of that. I felt a complete peace that I was home caring for my children. And I knew deep in my heart that as long as they were safe and taken care of, everything else would take care of itself.
Then I got a call tonight. My sitter got a job. And she starts in a week.
That should be all I need. I should just decide I need to follow my heart and what I feel God is calling me to do. I don't have a sitter. I should become the caretaker. I shouldn't ask any questions.
But I'm going to. I'm going to ask a lot of questions. And God is going to answer those questions. And I'm going to ignore His answers.
Because I need my job. And I love my job. And I wouldn't be a good stay at home mom.
Yep.... I am going to consciously ignore God. What kind of person not only does this, but admits to it and keeps on doing it.
So I'm going to pray. And I'm going to ask my husband to pray. If this is really the leap we are supposed to take right now, I'm willing to take it. But I have to make 100% sure this calling is coming from my Father in heaven and not just from inside my human heart. I love my family and I would do anything for them. And I want to be a good witness to my children.... I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me.
Monday, March 7, 2011
Finding comfort in other people's pain....
I have found much healing in reading the accounts of other women's battle with PPD. The first book I read was Down Comes the Rain by Brooke Shields. I was completely blown away when I read this book, honestly. I expected to read another women's story... the emotions she felt and the actions she took to try to make herself healthy. But what I actually read when I turned the pages was my own story. I couldn't believe it. Yes, the circumstances were different. The people were different. But at the core of her story, she felt the same things I felt. She said the same things I said. She lived in the same fog I lived in. I just couldn't believe that this celebrity that lives thousands of miles from me (physically, socially, and spiritually) lived the same life I was leaving.
I know there are many women that suffer from this disease, but I've never had the opportunity to talk to any of these women. Through this whole experience, from the very beginning, I have felt so very alone. But as I read the words on those pages, I suddenly wasn't alone. I wasn't a freak. Someone else felt the same things I felt. I have struggled to put my emotions into words... but she did it for me. She made words for my thoughts. What an amazing feeling!!! In some ways, I feel this book buried me deeper in my depression, because suddenly I wasn't making up these feeling.... they were really, really real. But I don't look on this as a bad thing... I think I needed to hit the bottom in that way in order to start reaching up.
Currently I am reading Living Beyond Post Partum Depression by Jerusha Clark. Once again, I am amazed .... I am reading my story again. Jerusha documents not only her experience but also serveral other women who have survived PPD. And their words are my words. Their feelings are my feelings. Their actions are my actions.
It breaks my heart that so many women suffer from this disease. This is one of those feelings that you hope and pray no one else on the face of the earth ever has to experience. Kind of a "I'll take this on myself if that means no one else ever has to experience it" type of thing. Unfortunatly, thousands of women suffer every year.
However, I do appreciate hearing their stories and knowing I'm not alone. Such a comfort to know my feelings are felt by others!
I know there are many women that suffer from this disease, but I've never had the opportunity to talk to any of these women. Through this whole experience, from the very beginning, I have felt so very alone. But as I read the words on those pages, I suddenly wasn't alone. I wasn't a freak. Someone else felt the same things I felt. I have struggled to put my emotions into words... but she did it for me. She made words for my thoughts. What an amazing feeling!!! In some ways, I feel this book buried me deeper in my depression, because suddenly I wasn't making up these feeling.... they were really, really real. But I don't look on this as a bad thing... I think I needed to hit the bottom in that way in order to start reaching up.
Currently I am reading Living Beyond Post Partum Depression by Jerusha Clark. Once again, I am amazed .... I am reading my story again. Jerusha documents not only her experience but also serveral other women who have survived PPD. And their words are my words. Their feelings are my feelings. Their actions are my actions.
It breaks my heart that so many women suffer from this disease. This is one of those feelings that you hope and pray no one else on the face of the earth ever has to experience. Kind of a "I'll take this on myself if that means no one else ever has to experience it" type of thing. Unfortunatly, thousands of women suffer every year.
However, I do appreciate hearing their stories and knowing I'm not alone. Such a comfort to know my feelings are felt by others!
Makin' Goals!
I made a commitment this weekend to myself and to my husband. I'm going to train for a 5K! Not that I necessarily desire to run a 5K. I despise running. It makes me hurt just talking about it!! But I need to get in shape. After 17 months, I'm still carrying around "Jada weight" and I'm sick of it. And I'm sick of being sick of it. And I'm sick of being sick of it but being too full of excuses to do anything about it. As much as I despise running, I despise being overweight more. OK... I'm not overweight. The doctor confirmed that for me. In his words, I'm "within normal range" for my body type. But I don't like it. I'm heavier than I should be. So I'm doing something about it.
So this is the plan: I found a well laid out plan called "Couch to 5K." In 9 weeks, it will take me from a nice and easy 20 minute jog/walk to running 3 miles in 30 minutes.
Based on the timeing of this schedule, I'm signing up to run the Sunburst 5K. If I start this week, I will be running by the first week of May which still gives me 1 more month to actually train on the "running" part.
But there is a second part to this goal. I'm certain that this will help me lose the weight I need to lose, but I need an end goal. So this is it.... by July 12, 2011, I want to be back to my wedding weight and I will wear the bikini I wore on my honeymoon (I may only wear it for Nate, but I WILL wear it!!) :)
That means I have 4 months to lose 20 pounds. That is totally doable.... so I'm gonna do it!!
I'm also hoping in the midst of this, the improved self-image and time spent focusing on me will improve my mental state... Here's hoping...
So this is the plan: I found a well laid out plan called "Couch to 5K." In 9 weeks, it will take me from a nice and easy 20 minute jog/walk to running 3 miles in 30 minutes.
Based on the timeing of this schedule, I'm signing up to run the Sunburst 5K. If I start this week, I will be running by the first week of May which still gives me 1 more month to actually train on the "running" part.
But there is a second part to this goal. I'm certain that this will help me lose the weight I need to lose, but I need an end goal. So this is it.... by July 12, 2011, I want to be back to my wedding weight and I will wear the bikini I wore on my honeymoon (I may only wear it for Nate, but I WILL wear it!!) :)
That means I have 4 months to lose 20 pounds. That is totally doable.... so I'm gonna do it!!
I'm also hoping in the midst of this, the improved self-image and time spent focusing on me will improve my mental state... Here's hoping...
Saturday, February 19, 2011
My weekend away.
I just realized I never wrote about my wonderful weekend away!! A few weekends ago, when I was at my wit's end, my dear hubby sent me packin'!
I left on Saturday morning and headed for Anderson with two expectations: paint the master bedroom and relax. Mission accomplished!
When I got to town I made the rounds at all the home improvement stores to get some supplies and score some more deals then headed back to the house.
I worked for a few hours until dinner time. I went out to eat, enjoyed a little retail therapy, then headed to my dear friend Kelly's house. After we sent her husband out on some errands, we had a wonderful time just chilling on the couch playing catch up and running our mouths about the ups and downs of motherhood. Thanks for your hospitality Daniel and Kelly! Love you guys!!
Sunday morning I got to worship with our friends at Bethany. It's always so wonderful be back there and see old friends and listen to Bob speak God's word. Our time there is never long enough, but I had a little bit of a chance to catch up with a lot of people... thank you all for your loving words and your offers of prayer. It means more than you will ever know!
So many people were shocked to find out that I made that weekend trek by myself... and enjoyed it!! It was so refreshing to just get away from the day to day and to not be responsible for anyone but myself. I think every mom needs that every once in awhile!! (if any mom tells you she doesn't, she's lying! I'm sure of it!!) :)
I was concerned that I would come home refreshed only to be slapped in the face again with reality when I came home. But it really did help. I came home with a fresh mind and a slightly more positive outlook. In the weeks following, I feel I have been able to more fully enjoy the time I get to spend with my girls.
I am so thankful that I have a husband who is willing to take on the load of the family occasionally so I am able to regroup. Thank you, Nathaniel!! You will never know completely how deep my love runs for you!!
I left on Saturday morning and headed for Anderson with two expectations: paint the master bedroom and relax. Mission accomplished!
When I got to town I made the rounds at all the home improvement stores to get some supplies and score some more deals then headed back to the house.
I worked for a few hours until dinner time. I went out to eat, enjoyed a little retail therapy, then headed to my dear friend Kelly's house. After we sent her husband out on some errands, we had a wonderful time just chilling on the couch playing catch up and running our mouths about the ups and downs of motherhood. Thanks for your hospitality Daniel and Kelly! Love you guys!!
Sunday morning I got to worship with our friends at Bethany. It's always so wonderful be back there and see old friends and listen to Bob speak God's word. Our time there is never long enough, but I had a little bit of a chance to catch up with a lot of people... thank you all for your loving words and your offers of prayer. It means more than you will ever know!
So many people were shocked to find out that I made that weekend trek by myself... and enjoyed it!! It was so refreshing to just get away from the day to day and to not be responsible for anyone but myself. I think every mom needs that every once in awhile!! (if any mom tells you she doesn't, she's lying! I'm sure of it!!) :)
I was concerned that I would come home refreshed only to be slapped in the face again with reality when I came home. But it really did help. I came home with a fresh mind and a slightly more positive outlook. In the weeks following, I feel I have been able to more fully enjoy the time I get to spend with my girls.
I am so thankful that I have a husband who is willing to take on the load of the family occasionally so I am able to regroup. Thank you, Nathaniel!! You will never know completely how deep my love runs for you!!
Tuesday, February 1, 2011
Mission Save Mommy Day: FAIL
Well, I didn't' get my kid-free Thursday. Eden was up vomiting all night, so we all got to stay home together... oh well... another day!
Satan works hard... God's Love works harder!!
So.... that rant I went on about needing some 'me time'?? God decided to remind me that He is totally capable of answering prayers-- and answering them fast!
When Nate got home from work that night, I told him that after dinner I needed to get out for a bit (for those of you who do not know this about me, I'm not good at sharing my feelings. So if I reach the point of verbally expressing my frustrations, I am way past my boiling point!) So he told me to go. And I went! :) Not far-- I just needed out of the house. We needed milk, so I went to CVS to get milk and see what other deals I could find (some GREAT ones, in case you were curious!!!)
While I was out, my mom called the house looking for me. Nate told her I was gone and that he wasn't sure if I was stressed, depressed, or just feeling a bit cooped up. She proceeds to give Nate a lecture to pass on to me about taking care of myself, in a nutshell. I love my Mom.
***God is just getting started here, folks***
When I get home, Nate tells me that he is going to take the girls to church the next night so I could have a couple hours to myself. I didn't object. I figured he was right... a couple hours would be good for me.
The next morning (Wednesday) I get a text from my mother dearest at 5:30am: "Why don't you take the girls to Esther's tomorrow. I will pick them up after work." After many tears - over the fact that my weakness is starting to show and I feel like I am coming apart at the seams - I decided I will take her up on her offer. It is so hard for me to accept help from others, but at this point, I'm painfully aware that I need it.
***We're not done yet!***
On my way to work, Nate calls: "Do you want to get away for a weekend by yourself?" Yes!! God bless my husband! That is exactly what I want!! So he told me to pick a weekend and go. I agreed.
Thank you, Lord, for answering my prayers when I don't even know how to ask them. And thank you for answering them in a way that is so obviously organized by you and you alone so that I can be sure to give all the glory to You!!
When Nate got home from work that night, I told him that after dinner I needed to get out for a bit (for those of you who do not know this about me, I'm not good at sharing my feelings. So if I reach the point of verbally expressing my frustrations, I am way past my boiling point!) So he told me to go. And I went! :) Not far-- I just needed out of the house. We needed milk, so I went to CVS to get milk and see what other deals I could find (some GREAT ones, in case you were curious!!!)
While I was out, my mom called the house looking for me. Nate told her I was gone and that he wasn't sure if I was stressed, depressed, or just feeling a bit cooped up. She proceeds to give Nate a lecture to pass on to me about taking care of myself, in a nutshell. I love my Mom.
***God is just getting started here, folks***
When I get home, Nate tells me that he is going to take the girls to church the next night so I could have a couple hours to myself. I didn't object. I figured he was right... a couple hours would be good for me.
The next morning (Wednesday) I get a text from my mother dearest at 5:30am: "Why don't you take the girls to Esther's tomorrow. I will pick them up after work." After many tears - over the fact that my weakness is starting to show and I feel like I am coming apart at the seams - I decided I will take her up on her offer. It is so hard for me to accept help from others, but at this point, I'm painfully aware that I need it.
***We're not done yet!***
On my way to work, Nate calls: "Do you want to get away for a weekend by yourself?" Yes!! God bless my husband! That is exactly what I want!! So he told me to pick a weekend and go. I agreed.
Thank you, Lord, for answering my prayers when I don't even know how to ask them. And thank you for answering them in a way that is so obviously organized by you and you alone so that I can be sure to give all the glory to You!!
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