Imitation is the sincerest form of flattery.

I often get annoyed when the girls want to do whatever the other one is doing. Or wear what she's wearing. Or play with the very same doll she is playing with. We have a house filled with toys and books and dresses and babies and barbies. Why do we all have to fight over the same small thing.
But today it hit me in a completely different way. Or I viewed it with a completely different attitude -- hard telling which one it was for sure, but whatever it was, it was good.
They love each other. They are head over heels for each other. They would go to the ends of the earth for each other. They are best friends. Forever.
So of course they want to mimic and imitate each other... it's a way to be closer to each other. And it's a way of saying, "I like you, I like what you do, and I want to be more like you."
Earlier this afternoon, that is where that thought stopped. They imitate because they love. But over the course of the afternoon, my mind kept coming back to that moment (the moment that they were both walking around in slippers with their purses and their babies, shopping) and as I was doing dishes I was overwhelmed. When I watch those girls take care of their baby dolls, I am always so impressed with the love and care they show. They are so gentle with their babies and so aware of the babies needs (ok, I haven't lost my mind... I am completely aware that baby dolls don't have real needs.... just work with me on this one...). Where do they learn this from? Is it just something that a kid is born with? Or do they learn how to care from their caretakers??
I often question myself about how good of a job I am doing in my parenting. I love my kids more than life itself, but do I show that to them? Do they feel the effects of me putting their needs before mine every single day -- because I can't imagine it the other way around? Do they know how special and important they are?
What if they have learned how to care for their babies because of how I have cared for them? If that's the case, I think I'm doing an OK job. And if they are imitating me because they love me, then I am flattered. Thanks, girls. I love you, too!

super mom??

Why do I feel like I need to be super mom?? Why do I think I need to be the best and do the best and do it all by myself??
I have a wonderful support system.... an amazing husband that would literally do anything for me, yet I refuse to give him the opportunity. a great extended family that does nothing but love me, yet I refuse to feel it. awesome friends that will listen to whatever is on my heart, yet I can't seem to speak my words and feelings to them.
I've been trying so hard to let go of this 'control' in my life. Instead of being the 'all-powerful mom' I keep thinking I should be, I desperately want to be dependent on other people to help me get through this phase in my life. I'm just not quite sure how to let go.
Over the course of trying to find healing, I keep lecturing myself on baby steps. I can't do it all or change it all in one day, so I just need to take baby steps. If I do the things that seem to be the easiest now, I can release myself from those burdens so I have more energy to focus on the bigger things that consume me.
Wanna know something funny? I recently decided to get rid of all my matching dishes (i saved one nice, complete set in case I ever need to fall back on it). Instead of being matchy-matchy, I decided to use unique, individual pieces. Nothing matches. The plates don't match themselves and none of them match the bowls (for the most part, anyway..) Last night at dinner, Nate asked me how it was that we went from having all matching dishes to this complete randomness.... I answered him simply, "because that's what I decided I wanted to do." But in that very moment, I realized something I hadn't before. This was a baby step towards letting go of control (seriously, folks, I'm a control freak). Previously, I could not set the table with 4 plates that didn't match. It would drive me CRAZY. But now I can just count how many people are eating and plop that many plates on the table without stressing over whether they all look the same. And ya know what?? Sometimes I even eat off of a Dora plate! Wooo.... I'm getting all wild and crazy over here!!
It just seems so funny to me, because this is not at all what I intended when I decided to switcheroo the dishes -- but I literally feel like I have freed myself from some kind of bondage! Crazy, I know.... but if you lived in my head, you'd totally get it! :)

By Your Side

Why are you striving these days?
Why are you trying to earn grace?
Why are you crying?
Let me lift up your face
Just don't turn away

Why are you looking for love?
Why are you still searching?
As if I'm not enough?
To where will you go child
Tell me where will you run?
To where will you run?

I'll be by your side wherever you fall
In the dead of night whenever you call
Please don't fight these hands that are holding you
My hands are holding you

Look at these hands at my side
They swallowed the grave on that night
When I drank the world's sin
So I could carry you in
And give you life

Here at my side wherever you fall
In the dead of night whenever you call
Please don't fight these hands that are holding you
My hands are holding you

And I, I love you
And I want you to know
That I, I'll love you
I'll never let you go

It takes a village.

It takes a village to raise a child. I have never really bought into this logic. In my opinion, it takes a parent (or two...) to raise a child. It's kind of a "don't bite off more than you can chew" type of philosophy. If you need a village to help you raise your kid, you probably should not venture into parenthood. But I'm starting to change my tune....
I really do believe it does take a village. But that statement requires a give and take. If I am going to accept your help in raising my children, I need to be willing to step in and help you raise yours. I have recently tried to focus more on 'letting go'. If you know anything about me, you know I tend towards being a bit of a control freak. I prefer to just do things myself rather than bothering anyone else to help me. But I've noticed as I start to relinquish a little bit of my control, life actually starts to get a little easier rather than getting more difficult. I've always felt a little bit of guilt when I leave my kids with someone else so I can get some things done without them. But I'm starting to feel more and more freedom as I allow myself to do this type of thing.
So, maybe it doesn't necessarily take a village to raise a child. But it definitely takes a village to be a sane, well-rounded parent.
Thanks to all of you who reside in my 'village'. I couldn't do this without you.

God, is that you??

Alright... I'm just gonna lay this out there because this burden has been laid on my heart and as much as I try to ignore it, it just won't go away.
I've had this feeling for several weeks now, and I fear it is God speaking to me and I'm trying not to listen. Several weeks ago I starting getting a nudge that I'm supposed to be a stay at home mom full-time. One year ago, I would have welcomed this calling with open arms. But right now -- well, this just isn't a good time for me. We are trying so hard to get all of our debt paid off so we can live comfortably without being prisoner to anyone else. And until we get the rental house either sold or rented, we are paying 2 mortgages and that requires my income. And, quite honestly, I LOVE my job right now. I couldn't ask for anything better. My girls are well taken care of the 3 days that I am gone, and I actually look forward to going to work.
If it was just a "feeling" I was trying to work past, I could totally do that. But instead, I kind of think that God is trying to send me signals that this is really Him speaking to me.
Around the same time I started having this feeling, my sitter gave me some devastating news (devastating to me, anyway). She is looking for a different job. She loves the kids, but she can't always handle the stress of them, so she is looking for a more "normal" job. I fully support her in this endeavor, but MAN we're going to miss her!
Then a couple weeks later and good friend confided in me that she was entertaining the idea of leaving her job to stay at home with her kiddos. And what did I say to this friend?? If the Lord is speaking to you and asking you to do this, you've got to just take a leap of faith and listen to Him. If you are doing what is best for your family, He is going to take care of you in any capacity he needs to: physically, emotionally, spiritually, financially. Hmmmm.... great advice. Maybe I should take it?? Nah....
Then this past week Eden has been sick with the flu, so I wasn't able to go to work. I went in one day and as soon as I dropped the girls off at the sitter's, I felt an extreme amount of guilt.. like I was not supposed to do that. That I was just supposed to stay home and mother my girlies. So I pick the girls up at 5 to find out that they had both been sick most of the day. They should have been with their Mommy. Needless to say, I stayed home the next day. The crazy thing about this week is that I should have been stressed out. I should have wondered what we were going to do next week when my check is half the size it usually is. I should have been tearing my hair out because I couldn't handle being cooped up with the girls. I should have been kicking myself for not getting more 'stuff' done while I was home all week. But I didn't. I felt none of that. I felt a complete peace that I was home caring for my children. And I knew deep in my heart that as long as they were safe and taken care of, everything else would take care of itself.
Then I got a call tonight. My sitter got a job. And she starts in a week.
That should be all I need. I should just decide I need to follow my heart and what I feel God is calling me to do. I don't have a sitter. I should become the caretaker. I shouldn't ask any questions.
But I'm going to. I'm going to ask a lot of questions. And God is going to answer those questions. And I'm going to ignore His answers.
Because I need my job. And I love my job. And I wouldn't be a good stay at home mom.
Yep.... I am going to consciously ignore God. What kind of person not only does this, but admits to it and keeps on doing it.
So I'm going to pray. And I'm going to ask my husband to pray. If this is really the leap we are supposed to take right now, I'm willing to take it. But I have to make 100% sure this calling is coming from my Father in heaven and not just from inside my human heart. I love my family and I would do anything for them. And I want to be a good witness to my children.... I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me.

Finding comfort in other people's pain....

I have found much healing in reading the accounts of other women's battle with PPD. The first book I read was Down Comes the Rain by Brooke Shields. I was completely blown away when I read this book, honestly. I expected to read another women's story... the emotions she felt and the actions she took to try to make herself healthy. But what I actually read when I turned the pages was my own story. I couldn't believe it. Yes, the circumstances were different. The people were different. But at the core of her story, she felt the same things I felt. She said the same things I said. She lived in the same fog I lived in. I just couldn't believe that this celebrity that lives thousands of miles from me (physically, socially, and spiritually) lived the same life I was leaving.
I know there are many women that suffer from this disease, but I've never had the opportunity to talk to any of these women. Through this whole experience, from the very beginning, I have felt so very alone. But as I read the words on those pages, I suddenly wasn't alone. I wasn't a freak. Someone else felt the same things I felt. I have struggled to put my emotions into words... but she did it for me. She made words for my thoughts. What an amazing feeling!!! In some ways, I feel this book buried me deeper in my depression, because suddenly I wasn't making up these feeling.... they were really, really real. But I don't look on this as a bad thing... I think I needed to hit the bottom in that way in order to start reaching up.
Currently I am reading Living Beyond Post Partum Depression by Jerusha Clark. Once again, I am amazed .... I am reading my story again. Jerusha documents not only her experience but also serveral other women who have survived PPD. And their words are my words. Their feelings are my feelings. Their actions are my actions.
It breaks my heart that so many women suffer from this disease. This is one of those feelings that you hope and pray no one else on the face of the earth ever has to experience. Kind of a "I'll take this on myself if that means no one else ever has to experience it" type of thing. Unfortunatly, thousands of women suffer every year.
However, I do appreciate hearing their stories and knowing I'm not alone. Such a comfort to know my feelings are felt by others!

Makin' Goals!

I made a commitment this weekend to myself and to my husband. I'm going to train for a 5K! Not that I necessarily desire to run a 5K. I despise running. It makes me hurt just talking about it!! But I need to get in shape. After 17 months, I'm still carrying around "Jada weight" and I'm sick of it. And I'm sick of being sick of it. And I'm sick of being sick of it but being too full of excuses to do anything about it. As much as I despise running, I despise being overweight more. OK... I'm not overweight. The doctor confirmed that for me. In his words, I'm "within normal range" for my body type. But I don't like it. I'm heavier than I should be. So I'm doing something about it.
So this is the plan: I found a well laid out plan called "Couch to 5K." In 9 weeks, it will take me from a nice and easy 20 minute jog/walk to running 3 miles in 30 minutes.
Based on the timeing of this schedule, I'm signing up to run the Sunburst 5K. If I start this week, I will be running by the first week of May which still gives me 1 more month to actually train on the "running" part.
But there is a second part to this goal. I'm certain that this will help me lose the weight I need to lose, but I need an end goal. So this is it.... by July 12, 2011, I want to be back to my wedding weight and I will wear the bikini I wore on my honeymoon (I may only wear it for Nate, but I WILL wear it!!) :)
That means I have 4 months to lose 20 pounds. That is totally doable.... so I'm gonna do it!!
I'm also hoping in the midst of this, the improved self-image and time spent focusing on me will improve my mental state... Here's hoping...