The past two nights when we put the girls to bed, Eden has cried when we left the room. She says she wants me. She doesn't want to be alone. She's scared.
Kid's have irrational fears. Who really knows where these fears come from, but it's something we work through as parents. With Eden, we've dealt with a lot of these fears in the last four years. Fear of shadows, fear of clocks, fear of doors. fear of lights, fear of airplanes in the hallway (yes... airplanes in the hallway..) the list goes on. The fears come and go and life is left relatively unchanged by them. But this weeks fear left me stumped.
I can tell my daughter with absolute confidence that shadows aren't scary. I can explain what a shadow is and assure her that the shadow will remain on the wall and never do anything to her. And after telling her this, I can sleep peacefully knowing she will be safe alone in her room even if there is a shadow on the wall next to her bed.
But Tuesday night when I asked her what scared her, she said something that I couldn't just brush aside. She was scared that someone was going to get her. I asked what exactly she meant by that. She said she was afraid someone was going to hurt her. So, I put on my strong Mama face and told her no one was going to hurt her. Mommy, Daddy, and Jada were the only other people in the house and we would not hurt her. And I promised her that no one else would be allowed to come in the house, so she didn't need to worry. I left the room hoping she believed me. And hoping what I told her was true.
But the truth is, I can't promise my girls that no one will ever come into our house and try to hurt them. There are evil people in the world that put their own wants and desires above the safety and well-being of other people. And there is one person I know of for sure that did enter a home uninvited and did try to hurt a little girl. And he has never paid the consequences for his actions.
It has been nearly 18 years, but there are days (days like Tuesday) that the emotions are just as raw as they were that summer night so long ago.
I have come a long way since then. I may be a bit more paranoid, but overall I feel that I've healed pretty well emotionally. I don't carry any physical scars (my parents carry those for me). I have forgiven the invader. I long for closure, but I have successfully moved forward in my life without it. In fact, it may have taken the better part of 2 decades to get to this point but I can honestly say that there are days that go by that I don't even think about that long, dark night.
But then, with a word, my daughter stirs up these emotions that remind me we live in a broken world and we are never completely safe.
I'm not sure how I will deal with this as my daughters grow. God has loaned these girls to Nate and I and we are charged with the responsibility of raising them to the best of our abilities. I feel my biggest responsibility is to raise them up to be Godly women. I want them to grow up to love Jesus and I want them to ooze His love (do you like that word?? Ooze..... ahh.... ) :)
But in the midst of nurturing their spiritual life, there is a job that is even harder for me. Protecting them from everything evil in this life. I want to keep them safe. I want to hide them. I want to shelter them. I want to keep the boogy-man (real and imagined) away from them. But we all know this isn't possible. Or healthy.
So as they grow older I have to decide how to expose them to the world they live in. When they are scared, I will comfort them and tell them everything is going to be ok. But someday I need to tell them the truth. Sometimes things will happen that will give them very real reasons to be afraid. I hope, in those moments, they will know they have a Mommy and Daddy that they can lean on. There will never be a fear too small to bring to us. We will always be there to listen to them. We will always be there to comfort them. And even in the moments their earthly, very human, parents let them down, they will have the Ultimate Comforter to turn to!
Dear Lord,
I'm scared. Just like Eden, I'm scared that someday someone is going to try to hurt her or Jada. I'm scared I won't be there to protect them. But there is a peace inside me that knows even in those moments, you will be there. You are always there. We are never faced with challenges too big as long as we have you on our side. Thank you for being our protector. Thank you for being my savior. Thank you for loving my children even more than I do.
Amen
