It's been one year since I put the lid on my happy pills and stashed them up in the cupboard. And they are still there. I haven't touched them, and I can't tell you how happy that makes me!
I have a beautiful, 6-month old little girl. This is my third time mothering an infant, but it's the first time I can look back on the first months of life and still see it... i can remember it... it is not hidden in a fog, it's not tucked away behind terrible emotions, it hasn't been drowned out by countless tears. I have thoroughly enjoyed {almost} every moment of parenting her in the early months.
I'm not going to tell you it's been easy! We are raising 3 girls over here... anyone that tells you that is easy is lying (and, can i tell you, people told me that lie... "oh, 3 is sooo much easier that 2!" liars.) But it has been manageable. There were times, in the heat of my battle with PPD, that I thought maybe I wasn't actually depressed. I thought maybe, just maybe, I wasn't strong enough to be a mom. Maybe I wasn't cut out for this job and that's why I felt the way I did. Maybe all moms felt the way I was feeling and I just didn't know how to juggle the parenting lifestyle. But now, sitting on the other side, I can tell you beyond the shadow of a doubt, I was clinically depressed. Because parenting feels different now. I'm overwhelmed, for sure, but I don't feel hopeless. I don't feel like i'm sinking. I don't feel like I'm living in a fog, desperately trying to find my way out. I told a friend recently that if PPD would have found me again, I honestly think I would be donning a straight jacket and I would be holed up in a psychiatric ward somewhere. Because I can't even fathom the idea of running this rat race we call a family of 5 and battling those hormones at the same time. To God be the GLORY!
For the first few months of Kate's little life, I still lived in fear of that depression. I was grateful that I wasn't suffering anymore, but it still had it's dirty little hands wrapped tightly around me. Because every day I would wake up and wonder, 'is this the day? is this the day that depression returns? is this the day depression wins again? or will i maybe get one more day of freedom. one more day of joy.'
But then I was challenged to let it all go. To lay down that rock at the cross. To stop carrying the burden of a non-existent depression with me everywhere I went. If I wanted to live in true resurrection, I had to finally LET GO and LET GOD. I believe that the power of prayer has played a huge role in my healing. I believe that my God lifted this burden from my life. Yet, I wasn't believing it enough to actually let go completely. I wasn't allowing myself to move forward fearlessly. I was hanging on because, well, what if? What if it comes back? What if it takes over? What if it wins again? For some reason I didn't want to move forward if I was just eventually going to have to come back anyway. Thanks to some great teaching, I realized that by hanging on, I wasn't really living in true obedience to the God that had delivered me.
So, am I still afraid I will suffer again? Yeah, a little. But I make the conscious decision every single day to say thank you. Thank you, Lord for saving me. Thank you, Lord for letting me enjoy today to its fullest. Thank you, God for the freedom, for the clarity, and for the goodness of a new life.
If I have to face that darkness again someday, then I'll face it. but until then I'm moving forward, thankful that I'm carrying a lighter load.
I have a beautiful, 6-month old little girl. This is my third time mothering an infant, but it's the first time I can look back on the first months of life and still see it... i can remember it... it is not hidden in a fog, it's not tucked away behind terrible emotions, it hasn't been drowned out by countless tears. I have thoroughly enjoyed {almost} every moment of parenting her in the early months.
I'm not going to tell you it's been easy! We are raising 3 girls over here... anyone that tells you that is easy is lying (and, can i tell you, people told me that lie... "oh, 3 is sooo much easier that 2!" liars.) But it has been manageable. There were times, in the heat of my battle with PPD, that I thought maybe I wasn't actually depressed. I thought maybe, just maybe, I wasn't strong enough to be a mom. Maybe I wasn't cut out for this job and that's why I felt the way I did. Maybe all moms felt the way I was feeling and I just didn't know how to juggle the parenting lifestyle. But now, sitting on the other side, I can tell you beyond the shadow of a doubt, I was clinically depressed. Because parenting feels different now. I'm overwhelmed, for sure, but I don't feel hopeless. I don't feel like i'm sinking. I don't feel like I'm living in a fog, desperately trying to find my way out. I told a friend recently that if PPD would have found me again, I honestly think I would be donning a straight jacket and I would be holed up in a psychiatric ward somewhere. Because I can't even fathom the idea of running this rat race we call a family of 5 and battling those hormones at the same time. To God be the GLORY!
For the first few months of Kate's little life, I still lived in fear of that depression. I was grateful that I wasn't suffering anymore, but it still had it's dirty little hands wrapped tightly around me. Because every day I would wake up and wonder, 'is this the day? is this the day that depression returns? is this the day depression wins again? or will i maybe get one more day of freedom. one more day of joy.'
But then I was challenged to let it all go. To lay down that rock at the cross. To stop carrying the burden of a non-existent depression with me everywhere I went. If I wanted to live in true resurrection, I had to finally LET GO and LET GOD. I believe that the power of prayer has played a huge role in my healing. I believe that my God lifted this burden from my life. Yet, I wasn't believing it enough to actually let go completely. I wasn't allowing myself to move forward fearlessly. I was hanging on because, well, what if? What if it comes back? What if it takes over? What if it wins again? For some reason I didn't want to move forward if I was just eventually going to have to come back anyway. Thanks to some great teaching, I realized that by hanging on, I wasn't really living in true obedience to the God that had delivered me.
So, am I still afraid I will suffer again? Yeah, a little. But I make the conscious decision every single day to say thank you. Thank you, Lord for saving me. Thank you, Lord for letting me enjoy today to its fullest. Thank you, God for the freedom, for the clarity, and for the goodness of a new life.
If I have to face that darkness again someday, then I'll face it. but until then I'm moving forward, thankful that I'm carrying a lighter load.
