Some days I just feel like a really bad mom... today is one of those days. I just don't have the patience to be a mom today. And what is really sad is that both girls are being really well-behaved. I just so badly want to be by myself!!! If I hear, "mom-mom! mom-mom!! MOM-MOM!!" one more time, i may very well blow my top. So I stepped in to save me and my girlies from my bad attitude and I just put in a movie so I could have some alone time. Not exactly what I'm looking for, but it will do in a pinch...
I am so blessed to be able to stay home a few days with these girls. I would not trade this opportunity for the world!! But there are definitely occasions (like today) that I would just love to be responsible for nobody but myself. I would love to sweep the floor and know that no one was going to be walking right behind me leaving a crumb trail. I would like to fold the laundry without "help." I would like to finish the dishes and not have to clean up a puddle off the floor when I'm done. I would like to go to the bathroom by myself (can I get an AMEN here??!)
Don't get me wrong... I love my kiddos more than life itself... in fact, even as I write this and try to give myself an attitude-adjustment, Jada is absolutely cracking me up with all the new discoveries she is making on the desk. (yeah... I can't even write by myself...)
Well, I think I'll go lay EE down for her nap, say a prayer for my sanity, hope that I can get Jada to lay down, too, and then get some work done around this place!
Tuesday, January 25, 2011
Saturday, January 22, 2011
Shout-outs
There are a few people in my life that have been with me through the last 15 months in a way that know one else has and while I will never be able to thank them enough for their support, I'm going to try one more time here....
Nathaniel.... You are my #1. Words will never be able to express how grateful I am to have you as a husband. You have been on this roller coaster with me from the beginning. I am certain that you have wanted to jump off a time or two, but I'm so glad you stayed right there in the seat next to me. You didn't understand my feelings. You didn't understand where I was coming from or where I was going. You tried to understand, but I wasn't able to explain myself. Thank you for picking up where I left off. Thank you for taking care of me and our family when I felt physically unable to do so myself. Thank you for encouraging me when I needed encouragement. Your work isn't done yet, buddy. I fear there are still some more of those times ahead of us... but I'm trying my hardest to be the best wife and mother I can possibly be. But in the meantime, thank you for loving me even in the "worst" times. I'm glad to know I married a man who didn't just recite a few words on a Saturday afternoon a few years ago -- you said your vows and made promises to me and you are committed to not breaking those promises. I also promise to always be there for you... for better, for worse.... in sickness and in health. Love you, babe!
Mom.... There are times I am certain that you are one of God's angels. So many times I've wondered how I will ever make it through the next 5 minutes, let alone a whole day. And before I can even throw up a prayer for help, you come prancing through the door and you save the day. Thank you! Thank you for loving me unconditionally!! And thank you for stepping into the 'mother' role when I just can't be mommy.
Amber... I'm so glad I broke my own rule about making friends at work... what would I do without you??! You have been such an amazing friend from the very moment I met you. I just want to tell you thank you letting me vent to you. I know you never felt these feelings, but you allowed me to talk to you about them anyway and you never, ever judged me for them. And you even took me "Christmas shopping" at one of my lowest points so that my husband could do something wonderful for me. I will forever be grateful for your friendship!
Tiffany... OK... you haven't been there for me for the last 15 months, but I'm sure if we would have known each other that long ago, you would have been. :) I am so thankful to God for the new friendship I have found with you... I've already spilled my heart to you, so I won't do it again. But I just wanted to make sure to thank you, too.
There are so many other people, too, who have prayed for me and loved me and really come through for me when I needed them. Although there are times I feel like I have no one, in reality I have so many friends and loved ones!!!! I am blessed... and I am living for the day that I am able to just wake up and know that without having to convince myself :)
Nathaniel.... You are my #1. Words will never be able to express how grateful I am to have you as a husband. You have been on this roller coaster with me from the beginning. I am certain that you have wanted to jump off a time or two, but I'm so glad you stayed right there in the seat next to me. You didn't understand my feelings. You didn't understand where I was coming from or where I was going. You tried to understand, but I wasn't able to explain myself. Thank you for picking up where I left off. Thank you for taking care of me and our family when I felt physically unable to do so myself. Thank you for encouraging me when I needed encouragement. Your work isn't done yet, buddy. I fear there are still some more of those times ahead of us... but I'm trying my hardest to be the best wife and mother I can possibly be. But in the meantime, thank you for loving me even in the "worst" times. I'm glad to know I married a man who didn't just recite a few words on a Saturday afternoon a few years ago -- you said your vows and made promises to me and you are committed to not breaking those promises. I also promise to always be there for you... for better, for worse.... in sickness and in health. Love you, babe!
Mom.... There are times I am certain that you are one of God's angels. So many times I've wondered how I will ever make it through the next 5 minutes, let alone a whole day. And before I can even throw up a prayer for help, you come prancing through the door and you save the day. Thank you! Thank you for loving me unconditionally!! And thank you for stepping into the 'mother' role when I just can't be mommy.
Amber... I'm so glad I broke my own rule about making friends at work... what would I do without you??! You have been such an amazing friend from the very moment I met you. I just want to tell you thank you letting me vent to you. I know you never felt these feelings, but you allowed me to talk to you about them anyway and you never, ever judged me for them. And you even took me "Christmas shopping" at one of my lowest points so that my husband could do something wonderful for me. I will forever be grateful for your friendship!
Tiffany... OK... you haven't been there for me for the last 15 months, but I'm sure if we would have known each other that long ago, you would have been. :) I am so thankful to God for the new friendship I have found with you... I've already spilled my heart to you, so I won't do it again. But I just wanted to make sure to thank you, too.
There are so many other people, too, who have prayed for me and loved me and really come through for me when I needed them. Although there are times I feel like I have no one, in reality I have so many friends and loved ones!!!! I am blessed... and I am living for the day that I am able to just wake up and know that without having to convince myself :)
6 months later
It has been six months since I started taking my anti-depressants for the second time. I am grateful for the science behind the pills. I am glad there is something that I can take that allows me to feel like me. I wish I could feel like me without any assistance, but for now this will have to do. It is my goal to be pill-free again someday, but I know that is not in my near future. I have had a lot of ups and downs since I started taking these pills again in July, but I feel like I'm being a little more proactive in my healing this time around. I'm not just lazily letting the pills do all the work. Instead, I am allowing them to "balance my chemicals" while I work on the nitty-gritty emotions that are lying deep within me.
My doctor has warned me that this could be a life-long thing. This definitely started as postpartum depression, but there is a history of depression in my family. So postpartum may have just been the tipping point to bring me somewhere I probably would have reached eventually in my life anyway.
Call me stubborn, but I am out to prove him wrong!! :)
I am going to keep this blog open. I don't know how often I will add to it, but I want to keep it available as an outlet. There are times when I have feelings I need to share, but there is not always a good person to share with or good place to discard them. I feel like this might serve as that place. So... you may see weekly updates here or you may never see anything ever again. I just don't know.
But I welcome your comments and feedback. Every time I share a little bit of my story, I feel a little better. I just don't always know if it is appropriate to share or if people care to hear about it. So if you share with me, then I will know it is OK to share with you! :)
My doctor has warned me that this could be a life-long thing. This definitely started as postpartum depression, but there is a history of depression in my family. So postpartum may have just been the tipping point to bring me somewhere I probably would have reached eventually in my life anyway.
Call me stubborn, but I am out to prove him wrong!! :)
I am going to keep this blog open. I don't know how often I will add to it, but I want to keep it available as an outlet. There are times when I have feelings I need to share, but there is not always a good person to share with or good place to discard them. I feel like this might serve as that place. So... you may see weekly updates here or you may never see anything ever again. I just don't know.
But I welcome your comments and feedback. Every time I share a little bit of my story, I feel a little better. I just don't always know if it is appropriate to share or if people care to hear about it. So if you share with me, then I will know it is OK to share with you! :)
"I want my wife back"
Those words broke my heart. But the feelings were mutual.... I missed me, too. I had, once again, lost myself and I couldn't find me anywhere. And I had tried... really, really hard!
So I caved and I got the pills back out. This was not at all what I wanted to do. A small part of me actually thought that feeling all these intense emotions was good. I was getting in touch with feelings that I had been suppressing for a long time. I thought if I could continue to feel these feelings like I was, I could work through them once and for all and just be done with them. I was afraid if I medicated myself again, I would "lose" those emotions and I would just become a blank, emotionless slate. And I knew that wouldn't benefit anyone.
But my husband told me he missed me. I couldn't allow that. I had to find me for him. So that's what I have set out to do....
So I caved and I got the pills back out. This was not at all what I wanted to do. A small part of me actually thought that feeling all these intense emotions was good. I was getting in touch with feelings that I had been suppressing for a long time. I thought if I could continue to feel these feelings like I was, I could work through them once and for all and just be done with them. I was afraid if I medicated myself again, I would "lose" those emotions and I would just become a blank, emotionless slate. And I knew that wouldn't benefit anyone.
But my husband told me he missed me. I couldn't allow that. I had to find me for him. So that's what I have set out to do....
WBCL
OK... I know this is going to sound cheesy (because it certainly used to always sound that way to me when I would hear other people tell these stories) but it's a true story, so I feel it needs to be said....
On those lonely nights when I was awake, it was just me and Jada rocking our sadness away. But there was always somebody else in the room with us. Jada seemed to sleep a little better with noise in the room, so we keep her radio on 24 hours a day. And her radio is always tuned to WBCL. That radio station came through for me more in those dark months than any human being ever did. When I was at my breaking point, a song would come on or a pastor would speak words that just completely calmed my heart. It would remind me that my life is worth it. I can keep on chuggin'... and continue to try to work things out in this little life of mine.
My life was super hazy during this season and I could barely keep my mind clear long enough to get through the basic tasks of life, let alone to expend extra energy to spend any sort of time in the Word.
But in these quiet moments in the rocking chair, listening to that radio, I was able to feel God's presence and Love in my life more clearly than I ever had before.
So it has to be said.... Thank you, WBCL, for your ministry. I am so thankful that the Lord is able to work in and through you to reach so many broken people. Prior to finding this radio station, my opinion of Christian radio was, well, not so good. But I truly believe this station is different.... They've touched a lot of lives. Mine is one of them.
On those lonely nights when I was awake, it was just me and Jada rocking our sadness away. But there was always somebody else in the room with us. Jada seemed to sleep a little better with noise in the room, so we keep her radio on 24 hours a day. And her radio is always tuned to WBCL. That radio station came through for me more in those dark months than any human being ever did. When I was at my breaking point, a song would come on or a pastor would speak words that just completely calmed my heart. It would remind me that my life is worth it. I can keep on chuggin'... and continue to try to work things out in this little life of mine.
My life was super hazy during this season and I could barely keep my mind clear long enough to get through the basic tasks of life, let alone to expend extra energy to spend any sort of time in the Word.
But in these quiet moments in the rocking chair, listening to that radio, I was able to feel God's presence and Love in my life more clearly than I ever had before.
So it has to be said.... Thank you, WBCL, for your ministry. I am so thankful that the Lord is able to work in and through you to reach so many broken people. Prior to finding this radio station, my opinion of Christian radio was, well, not so good. But I truly believe this station is different.... They've touched a lot of lives. Mine is one of them.
Loneliness
I remained what I would consider emotionally stable for about 6 weeks. Then slowly, thread by thread, I started to unravel. The changes were hardly noticeable at the start, but as the days and weeks wore on, everything inside me just got more intense. But there were several other events happening in my life at the time, and I was able to blame these feelings on those changes. Any one of these things could have sent a normal person into a mild, short-term depression, so to be dealing with them all at once, it was no wonder I was a little on edge!
As I plunged deeper and deeper into this depression, the feeling that plagued me above all others was loneliness. An all-consuming loneliness. A loneliness that occupied my thoughts all day and all night.
No one understood me... no one around me had experienced anything even remotely close to what I was going through. I had no one to talk to. It suddenly became very real to me that I only had a few friends that I felt I could talk about this with -- and only one of them lived even remotely close to me. I couldn't stand it. I felt like I was putting on a show for everyone around me. It wasn't worth it to me to expose my feelings to a bunch of people that I was sure didn't care about me, so it was just easier to "fake it." But that was becoming exhausting!! It reached a point that I was so certain that nobody cared for me or my feelings that I started to not care about anyone else... I became so self-absorbed!! This only intensified my loneliness... because now I 'knew' there was no one in the world that cared a lick about me. I couldn't even figure out why I was wasting my time walking through the motions of life. I just wanted to curl up in a hole somewhere and never talk to anyone ever again.
The only thing that kept me moving forward during these dark times were those two precious little girls of mine (yes... the very two that were causing these emotional ups and downs... life is funny, isn't it??!)
This loneliness consumed me day and night, but the night was definitely the worst. Jada still wasn't sleeping through the night, so I was up every night at least once - usually 2 or 3 times - with her. As I sat in her room rocking her, all I could do was cry. Tears of sadness. Tears of loneliness. Tears of exhaustion. Tears of confusion. The list goes on and on.... I just didn't (and still don't) understand. It is very apparent to me that God placed in my heart the desire to be a mother. I know this is the path that he set me on. I have always wanted a large family and, believe it or not, I still do. I know God wants me to be a mother. He wants me to be home raising my children. So why - oh why, oh why, oh why - did he not also place in my heart an unending amount of patience and understanding and peace and, well, levelheadedness!!!
As I plunged deeper and deeper into this depression, the feeling that plagued me above all others was loneliness. An all-consuming loneliness. A loneliness that occupied my thoughts all day and all night.
No one understood me... no one around me had experienced anything even remotely close to what I was going through. I had no one to talk to. It suddenly became very real to me that I only had a few friends that I felt I could talk about this with -- and only one of them lived even remotely close to me. I couldn't stand it. I felt like I was putting on a show for everyone around me. It wasn't worth it to me to expose my feelings to a bunch of people that I was sure didn't care about me, so it was just easier to "fake it." But that was becoming exhausting!! It reached a point that I was so certain that nobody cared for me or my feelings that I started to not care about anyone else... I became so self-absorbed!! This only intensified my loneliness... because now I 'knew' there was no one in the world that cared a lick about me. I couldn't even figure out why I was wasting my time walking through the motions of life. I just wanted to curl up in a hole somewhere and never talk to anyone ever again.
The only thing that kept me moving forward during these dark times were those two precious little girls of mine (yes... the very two that were causing these emotional ups and downs... life is funny, isn't it??!)
This loneliness consumed me day and night, but the night was definitely the worst. Jada still wasn't sleeping through the night, so I was up every night at least once - usually 2 or 3 times - with her. As I sat in her room rocking her, all I could do was cry. Tears of sadness. Tears of loneliness. Tears of exhaustion. Tears of confusion. The list goes on and on.... I just didn't (and still don't) understand. It is very apparent to me that God placed in my heart the desire to be a mother. I know this is the path that he set me on. I have always wanted a large family and, believe it or not, I still do. I know God wants me to be a mother. He wants me to be home raising my children. So why - oh why, oh why, oh why - did he not also place in my heart an unending amount of patience and understanding and peace and, well, levelheadedness!!!
Thursday, January 13, 2011
Never Let Go
Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death
Your perfect love is casting out fear
And even when I'm caught in the middle of the storms of this life
I won't turn back
I know you are near
And I will fear no evil
For my God is with me
And if my God is with me
Whom then shall I fear?
Whom then shall I fear?
Oh no, You never let go
Through the calm and through the storm
Oh no, You never let go
In every high and every low
Oh no, You never let go
Lord, You never let go of me
And I can see a light that is coming for the heart that holds on
A glorious light beyond all compare
And there will be an end to these troubles
But until that day comes
We'll live to know You here on the earth
Oh no, You never let go
Through the calm and through the storm
Oh no, You never let go
In every high and every low
Oh no, You never let go
Lord, You never let go of me
Yes, I can see a light that is coming for the heart that holds on
And there will be an end to these troubles
But until that day comes
Still I will praise You, still I will praise You
Your perfect love is casting out fear
And even when I'm caught in the middle of the storms of this life
I won't turn back
I know you are near
And I will fear no evil
For my God is with me
And if my God is with me
Whom then shall I fear?
Whom then shall I fear?
Oh no, You never let go
Through the calm and through the storm
Oh no, You never let go
In every high and every low
Oh no, You never let go
Lord, You never let go of me
And I can see a light that is coming for the heart that holds on
A glorious light beyond all compare
And there will be an end to these troubles
But until that day comes
We'll live to know You here on the earth
Oh no, You never let go
Through the calm and through the storm
Oh no, You never let go
In every high and every low
Oh no, You never let go
Lord, You never let go of me
Yes, I can see a light that is coming for the heart that holds on
And there will be an end to these troubles
But until that day comes
Still I will praise You, still I will praise You
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