Being Me

The next few months I lived a normal life. The longer I took the meds, the more like "me" i felt. Yes, I still had ups and downs, but they were typical mother-with-2-kids-under-2 ups and downs. When I had a good day I was able to enjoy it and when I had a bad day I was able to manage my emotions. I continued taking the pills faithfully until April. I was feeling SO much better! I would occasionally miss a dose or two and I wouldn't even notice a change in myself. So I decided that it was time to be drug free again. I talked to my doctor to make sure it was OK and he gave me permission to start weaning myself off of them. The weaning process went very well. I had very few side affects and I was actually handling life! I will say that after I was off the pills, my emotions were slightly more intense and when life got overwhelming, I got more anxious than usual. But these feelings were nothing that I couldn't deal with. I felt I had finally learned how to manage this life the Lord has blessed me with. It was such a wonderful feeling to just be ME again... no strings attached.

.....Antidepressants

This is one of the main reasons I didn't want to admit to my PPD. I didn't want pills shoved down my throat. Certainly if they give me a pill, I'll become dependant. Addicted. I'll become somebody I'm not. I don't even like taking ibuprofen for a headache, so I'm certainly not in the market for a "mood-changer." I wanted to solve this problem on my own. I thought if I could just work through my emotions on my own and if I could have all my friends and family praying for me, that would be all I would need.
But I also didn't want to continue to push my family further and further away. This was starting to wear on my relationship with my kids and, most importantly, my husband.
So the doctor and my Mother convinced me that I needed these pills to help me through this stage of life and I was promised I would not become addicted. My hormones will level out over time and eventually I won't need the pills. So I caved. I swallowed my pride -- and the pills :)
And you know what the crazy thing was?? They worked! Within a week, I was learning how to smile again. I was enjoying the Christmas decorations. I was able to look at my children and the goofy things they were doing and just laugh!!
I was so sure that these pills were going to make me fake. Turn me into somebody I was not. But they didn't. After two months of living in a haze, I was finally starting to feel like.... Me. And I had never been more happy to be me in my whole life.
Of course, initially I didn't want to give the credit to the pills. I told myself I was probably getting to this point on my own and it was just a coincidence that I started taking the pills at the same time. I was so tempted to pitch the pills. I was sure I didn't need them!! But I promised my doctor and Nate that I would take them until spring, so I decided to honor that commitment.

Confession time.

I was nearing the end of my doctor visit. Everything looks good. Doc is finishing up his notes and ready to send me on my merry way. I was relieved. Throughout the whole exam I was dreading the moment that he would ask about my emotional state. If he asked, I would have to tell him the truth. But here we were at the end of the appointment and he hadn't asked! I was going to be able to leave without admitting my failures!! His computer closes and he starts to stand. And suddenly I am struck. It hits me like a brick wall. I have been torturing my family. They have had to deal with my moods. My tempers. My meltdowns. All because I am being selfish and prideful. So I start to speak and the tears start rolling. I admit that I've been suffering from the baby blues. Except this time it's much, much worse. Maybe more like full-blown depression.(Then I start to feel bad for crying.... so I apologize.... sheesh!!!) He calms me down, explains that there is nothing wrong with what I am feeling and this is not uncommon at all (all things that I know, but it was still good to hear)
Then he gives me the one thing I really, really did not want...

Downward Spiral

That is the best way I can think of to describe the next 7 weeks. I kept thinking it would get better. "tomorrow will be better." "after a nap it will be better." "if i could just grab a couple minutes to myself, it would be better." "once we find a schedule it will be better." -- you name it, I thought it would make things better. But it didn't. It just got worse and worse. But I tried SO HARD to be the strong Mama. To pretend like I had it all together. It's one thing to lie to myself and pretend like I was OK, but I even tried to fool my husband. As if that would work!!
My breaking point came when Jada was probably a little over a month old. It was early, early in the morning and Jada was awake. Again. Crying. Again. Inconsolable. Again. Nate was already at work and I was home alone. I could feel myself unraveling, so I decided to get her out of bed and bring her into bed with me. Maybe if she could feel me next to her, she would settle down and we could both sleep. Nope. This kid had her mind made up that she was going to ruin my day and she was off to a great start. I rolled over and started to lay a hand on my precious, innocent baby girl. It took every ounce of energy I could muster up in my tired, tired body to restrain myself. I just wanted to hurt her. I wanted her to see what she was doing to me. If I could just show her how ridiculous she was acting, then she would straighten up.
My mind told me to call in reinforcements. Call Nate. Call Mom. Call the neighbor. Call ANYONE so they can come save this baby. My mind knew what to do, but my Pride got in the way. "No way! If I call someone, then everyone will know that I can't do this. Everyone will know that I'm an unfit mother. No one will trust that I can take care of my children. I will be judged. People will talk about me. Besides... even if i wanted to call someone, it is way too early. I don't want wake anyone up and burden them with my problems. Nope... can't do it..."
So I lay in my bed next to my crying baby. And I cried with her.

Welcome to the world, Jada Elyse!

As I look back at the first 24 hours of Jada's life, I am pretty convinced that post-partum depression was already weaseling its way into my life. But I would have never admitted that then!! In the moment I thought I was just tired and overwhelmed with the idea of caring for two babies. (yes... i WAS tired and overwhelmed... but the emotions ran much deeper than that!) I can still see the concern on the faces of the doctors and nurses. But they never said anything. They just continued to ask if I was OK. And I continued to lie and tell them I was. The truth was that anytime I was alone in the room with Jada, I was in tears. Tears that I quickly replaced with a smile anytime someone walked in the room.
Don't get me wrong! I was so, so, so happy to have Jada with me.... she was a wonderful blessing -- a beautiful gift from God. I don't even know how to describe the feelings I had. Deep inside I wanted to be so happy, but it was like there was this outside force twisting and turning everything inside me and turning me into someone I knew that I was not.
I stayed in the hospital two nights (taking full advantage of the professional babysitters!!!) then decided it was time to go home and dive into life as a family of four. I was very excited!

Waiting and Anticipating

After Eden was born, I experienced a bit of the Baby Blues. Up to that point, those were the scariest emotions I had ever felt in my life. I felt such an intense love for this little baby, but there were times I just couldn't handle the fact that she depended on me for everything. It sounds ridiculous to say now... obviously a baby depends on her parents to provide all things for her, but it was such an overwhelming feeling. There were times when I literally wanted to drop her on the ground, walk out of the room and never return. Thankfully there was always a tiny glimmer in my heart reminding me that this little baby was a precious gift from God and I could never live with myself if I ever allowed any harm to come to her -- especially harm from my very own hands!!
These feelings lasted about 6 months and just gradually faded away on their own as we got used to each other, got into a schedule and got some much needed rest!!! :)
I knew since I experienced these feelings once, it was likely they would come back again with the second baby. But I also held out hope that since I was an "experienced" mother, I would cope much better and those "chemical imbalances" wouldn't get the best of me this time around.
These fears weighed heavily on my mind at the beginning of my pregnancy, but as we got closer to the end and to Miss Jada's arrival, the fears had nearly been forgotten.....
Then along comes Jada..... :)

Dear Friends and Family...

Just in case I ever decide to "go public" with this blog, I thought it would be wise to offer a little explanation.
After Jada was born, I suffered from post-partum depression. I have created this blog as a way to help myself work through all the of the emotions that I have felt and am still feeling and to try to get past this stage of my life.
I'm not sure yet what form this blog will take... to you, it will probably just look like a bunch of random thoughts thrown together, but for me it will be more like therapy. (I hope!)
As I write this letter, I am still not ready to share my story and feelings with the world so this is just my journal. However, I know there may be a time that I feel I need to share my story in order to feel closure so that I may move on. So I wanted to journal in a way that would be easy to share in the future if that is what I decide to do.
DISCLAIMER: I want to remind you that, to me, this is a journal. A place to share my innermost thoughts. Therefore, there may be times that I share some feelings and emotions that may seem graphic and maybe even unnecessary to you. These are real feelings that I experienced. I am not proud of these moments, but I also do not apologize for them. They are emotions that were completely out of my control and in order to forgive myself for them, I need to spell them out -- I need to put them here so I can finally remove them from my conscience so I don't have to carry them with me for the rest of my life. That is the purpose of this blog. Thank you for understanding and for not judging me.

Healing Begins.

So you thought you had to keep this up
All the work that you do
So we think that you're good
And you can't believe it's not enough
All the walls you built up
Are just glass on the outside

So let 'em fall down
There's freedom waiting in the sound
When you let your walls fall to the ground
We're here now

This is where the healing begins, oh
This is where the healing starts
When you come to where you're broken within
The light meets the dark
The light meets the dark

Afraid to let your secrets out
Everything that you hide
Can come crashing through the door now
But too scared to face all your fear
So you hide but you find
That the shame won't disappear

So let it fall down
There's freedom waiting in the sound
When you let your walls fall to the ground
We're here now
We're here now, oh

This is where the healing begins, oh
This is where the healing starts
When you come to where you're broken within
The light meets the dark
The light meets the dark

Sparks will fly as grace collides
With the dark inside of us
So please don't fight
This coming light
Let this blood come cover us
His blood can cover us

This is where the healing begins, oh
This is where the healing starts
When you come to where you're broken within
The light meets the dark
The light meets the dark