As I look back at the first 24 hours of Jada's life, I am pretty convinced that post-partum depression was already weaseling its way into my life. But I would have never admitted that then!! In the moment I thought I was just tired and overwhelmed with the idea of caring for two babies. (yes... i WAS tired and overwhelmed... but the emotions ran much deeper than that!) I can still see the concern on the faces of the doctors and nurses. But they never said anything. They just continued to ask if I was OK. And I continued to lie and tell them I was. The truth was that anytime I was alone in the room with Jada, I was in tears. Tears that I quickly replaced with a smile anytime someone walked in the room.
Don't get me wrong! I was so, so, so happy to have Jada with me.... she was a wonderful blessing -- a beautiful gift from God. I don't even know how to describe the feelings I had. Deep inside I wanted to be so happy, but it was like there was this outside force twisting and turning everything inside me and turning me into someone I knew that I was not.
I stayed in the hospital two nights (taking full advantage of the professional babysitters!!!) then decided it was time to go home and dive into life as a family of four. I was very excited!
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